Salient Notes

Let's face it, you don't give a fuck about Salient. You reckon Simon Wilson is a vicious liar and you want him to resign. You know that albatrosses don't grow from bulbs or cuttings yet you get idiots like Jonathan Scott and David Murray using Salient to insist that they do. Everyone knows that the Salient Notes have, in the last five years, sent more people to sleep than Mandrax and Valium put together. You're only reading this to take your mind off the taste of your cafeteria lunch. In fact you're probably not even reading this at all, you're just trying to make a fool of me. Well let me just tell you a few things.

Do you know who edits this paper? Chris Norman, that's who. Wilson's nothing! Peter Beach, Lorraine Robinson, they're just bloody lackeys! Last week Norm said "Get Tees!" so we did. Lamorna Rogers said she quite liked him, and was flayed, impaled, drawn, quartered, dipped in tar and covered with Albatross feathers. Tom Duggan's just laying out the photo of it for the front page now.

Remember last week's Editorial? "The people who do the bulk of work on Salient can be counted on the fingers of one hand." Do you know who wrote that Editorial? Norm. Do you know how many fingers Norm has on one of his hands? One. (Victoria attacked him last September with a scalpel). Do you know who the Advertising Manager for Salient is? Norm. Guess who the typesetter is? Norm. Sally Redman isn't the bloody technical editor, Norm is. You know Margot MacGillivray? Been in every edition of Salient Notes this year. Her full name is Christopher Margot MacGillivray Hyphon Norman. There's a new pseudonym to go in this week: Ralph Proops. Huh! Christopher Ralph Proops-Norman more like! Then there're the other well known ones, Christopher Sally Blundell-Norman and Norman Christopher Frances Mason-Walrus. (I bullshitted the Walrus).

Norm writes most of the letters column each week using realistic fake names like Doug "I'm going to help Brigit Bardot stop the seal-bashing in Newfoundland" Thompson. Actually he hardly ever uses names that long, usually just "Cathy Randall" or "Helen Aikman" length.

He tells you in the editorial that Salient is desparate for staff: bloody cunning cover up really, in fact he spends at least half his time trying to get rid of the people he's got. Oh yes! Salient does have Some other staff. Stephen Benbrook and Don Wright to be precise. Norm locked them both in the darkroom four months ago. It hasn't been unlocked since, and up till now I've been the only person who knows why.

So you clowns who've been attacking our Editor, just get your facts straight. And for your own sakes, get your heads together and understand what you're up against. Because do you know who writes these Salient Notes? That's right, Norm and you you'd just better bloody watch it.

Salient is printed by Christopher Wanganui Norman-Newspapers and published shamelessly by the Victoria Norman University of Wellington Christopher Students Association.