Not a Square Meal.

In the messroom of a railway station in England, a hefty guard was leaning over a small gas ring, sterilising his whistle in water boiling in a small egg saucepan.

One of his colleagues asked another, “What's ‘e adoin’ of?”

“Lumme!” was the reply, “Old 'Arry must be 'ungry—'e's cooking the pea in his whistle for dinner!”

* * *

Classified.

Mrs. Hobson was anxious to learn the latest about her neighbour's accident, and turning to her husband, who was reading the evening paper, said, “James, did you see anything in the paper about Mr. Parker running over his mother-in-law?”

“No yet,” replied Mr. Hobson, “I haven't come to the sporting news.”

* * *

No Sportsman.

He was a very keen cricketer and had taken his wife with him to watch him play in the most important match of the season. Going in first, he batted right through the innings and saved his side from a very poor score. Quite proud of himself, he immediately went to his wife and greeted her. She returned his smile with a cold look and said:—

“Other women's husbands can go in and come out again in order to be with their wives. But not you. You must stay there the whole afternoon and leave me alone!”

* * *

“They're Off!”

Two Irish farmers, keen rivals, entered their horses in a steeplechase. One of them engaged a crack jockey to ride. The two horses were leading at the last fence, when both jockeys were unseated. The expert jockey quickly remounted and won the race.

On returning to the paddock he found the farmer fuming with rage.

“Why, what's up?” he asked. “I won, didn't I?”

“Yes, you won,” roared the farmer, “but on the wrong horse, you idiot!”

The Problem Solved.

Schoolmaster (to small-town class): “If a man walking at the rate of four miles an hour gets an hour's start of a man walking five miles an hour, where will the second overtake the first?”

Promising Pupil: “At the first hotel, sir.”

* * *

Hush!

In a certain mining town there was a competition to see who could eat the most. One man won easily. In a short time he ate a pound of sausages, three pies, about a yard of suet pudding, and a large fruit tart. He was loudly feted and, of course, was acclaimed winner, and received the prize. Just as he was going, he turned and said:

“I say, you chaps. Don't let my missus know about this or I shan't get no dinner to-night?”

* * *

Suiting the Action to the Words.

The clergyman smiled benevolently upon the unusually large congregation.

“As I look about me,” he began, “and see so many bright and shining faces, I wonder—“

Out came ninety-two powder-puffs!

(Sketch courtesy “Railway Gazette,” London)
Fast Goods.

A Women's Meeting.

A lecturer was addressing a meeting of women on the duties of the housewife, and remarked that it was the duty of every woman to mother her husband.

Wishing to see what impression this had made, he asked all those to stand who were willing to mother their better halves. Only one stood up.

“Ah!” he exclaimed. “I am pleased to see there is at least one who is willing to mother her husband.”

“Mother my husband!” cried the woman. “I thought you said smother!”

* * *

Then and Now.

The modern girl was listening impatiently to a long lecture from her grandmother, and at last she could stand no more.

“It's all very well to find fault with my new frock, granny!” she exclaimed. “But didn't you ever set your cap at a young man?”

Granny drew herself up. “Never my kneecap, miss!” she retorted.