The Spike: or, Victoria College Review September 1921
Mr. Dooley on a Residential College
Mr. Dooley on a Residential College.
"It'II be a gr-reat day f'r us mimbers ivth' Bar whin Perfessor Catchemalive gits his resydential college," said Mr. Hennessy.
"'Perfessor Catchemalive' me eye!" snorted Mr. Dooley. "If ye didn't go to Palmerston North f'r yeer Wurrkers' Occasional Lechures ye'd know betther than to bowlderise that noble name, Jawn. Huntsman, me bye, Huntsman! Th' most potyent name f'r liberty an justice south iv th' stars! Immortyalised be Ella Willy Wiltripe, in her ringin' lines commencin' 'Th' horn iv th' Huntsman was heerd on th' Hill.' A little man, Jawn, iv big thunder. An' foremost in th' valyant struggle iv th' Univarsty Rayform Party f'r th' rights iv small rationalities. A hayro an' a pathrite iv God 's Own Country, 'fairest raygion restin' neath th' South'n sky' as Tom Bracken put it; an' so it was, Jawn, until Captain Cook turned th' pigs loose into it. An' a progressive jawn ! Ye ought to hear him in th' Alexandra Barracks or th' little Thermonistic chapel in Indigestion Sthreet. 'I'll tell ye what,' he says. 'If ye c'n bear it,' he says Two an' two makes twenty-two,' he says, amid tumulchuse applause fr'm th' Very Rev. P. M Tinsmith an' vilent interjections fr'm that widl rayactionary Bol-Sheet, who c'n catch ivrythin' that's goin,' except th' pint iv a joke. 'An if it, don't,' he says, fearless iv criticism, 'thin it might,' he says, 'undher a diffrint system,' he says. Sensation, jawn, durin' which th' Polis raymove dissentients, among whom c'n be distinguished th' well-known infinity stujent, Prof. Summarefull. 'What does it matter annyway?' continyues th' Pro-fissor, in thrillin' tones. 'We're here to-day,' he says, 'an' to-morrah look what's happened! Betther,' he says, 'to live here than hereafther.' Terrific applause fr'm th' assimbled Press, led be that brillyant organ iv revvylution, th' 'Free Lunch,' an' riprisinted be C. Q. Pope."
"I c'n uphold him there, jawn, f'r there's no bar in that place nayther f'r me nor f'r Prof. Gallop. On the contrary, as the say-sick Frinchman said whin they asked him had he dined. But be hivins! I raymoves me supporrt Fr'm undher him whin he starts to prache Prooshian Millytarism, which you an' me gave our lives to desthry. I ask ye, Jawn: f'r why shud he turrn our noble Arrmy Martyr into a hostel-barracks? Haven't we trouble enough as it is, with Bolsheeviks that won't sthop wurrkin', an' Navy Legs that won't go to say. An' Plum Pudding Associations that demand ayqual plums f"r all, but ye must have a ticket, an' small nationalities that won't rayalize th' War's over but kape gittin' their names in th' pa-apers, to th' ixclusion iv vallyble spoortin' infymation at payin' rates.? An' don't we suffer enough fr'm arthquakes as it is, without startin' a private volcany bechune us an' th' sthars an' Kilbarrn?"
"Besthir yeer sluggish mind an' rayalize yeer piril, Jawn! D'ye know who those lawyer fellies ar're? They're th' linyal diseindints iv th' Forty Thayves, Jawn. Only, Jawn, they've increased an' multiplied till Prof. Gallop is compelled to distribbit tarrms with a machine-gun, illyvated so as to git ye in th' neck. An'they're goin' to assimhle in foorce in a sthronghold established be th' page 16 terr'ble Huntsman among th' slipperv clays iv Salammoniac. Ye won't want to sthop in town week-ends f'rth' Springboks or anny other box iv springs that takes a young man's fancy, Jawn, whin those wild fellies come down like a wolf on th' fold to rayopen th' ancient dispute iv Town v. Gown, The Pickens an' Scotchies won't be in it. jawn. Ye'll find yeerself awakened at nothin' ack emma be a nize like an iliction promise. Hastily attirin' yeer biology in a penny kimona purrchased at Whitkirk's durin' th' drapery boom, ye cautiously creep out. 'Is it th' Japs?' ye ask a scared-lookin', superfatted bag iv blue headin' south like a Springbuck, 'or is it th' Welfare Leg goin' to press again?' 'Git out iv me way,'say th' hoof iv th' Law, 'or I'll charrge ye with holdin' opinyions. 'This th' Sappyempty Horrors on th' rampage agin,' he says, 'tryin' to turrn off th' gas in Molesworth Sthreet. An',' he says, 'we've called out th' W.C.T.U., th' Boy Sprouts, an'th' latest College Libry'n, in ordher to ayvert a national calamity. I'm goin', he says, 'to th' Zoo,' he says, 'to quieten th' annymals. It's safer,' he says."
"Will they hold a cappin' cillybration ivry wake, thin?" asked Mr. Hennessy, with reminiscent thoughtfulness.
"They won't," said Mr. Dooley. "The Thrade wudn't stand it; an' where wud th' College go f'r its new Chairs thin? Besides, Jawn, cappin' is a relic iv th' ages iv superstition, whin undue importance was given to th' things iv th' mind. We've thrust b'hind us th' darrkness iv th' things we've found out. We've cast off th' shackles iv anny fixed idees we iver had. An' fr'm th' rush-light iv our abandoned past we've burst intoth' red light iv our abandoned fuchure. Don't be startled, Jawn: that's only th' way youn Hogan goes on to Father Coohoolan whin he's wnrrukin' up his haka f'r th' Debatin' Society. An' his rivrince grins an' says, 'Tell it to th' cop. me bye, but run like Hill No. 90 directly afther, f'r ye endanger civvylisation ivry time ye open yeer month.' The dogma iv Ivvylution demands, Jawn, that ye change yeer idees regularly, befure they begin to affect yeer conduct; just like ye change yeer shirt, or yeer libr'y book, even whin it's a book ye want. An' if ye cling to th' ignrint,' worn-out belief that ye go to College to larrn sordid tricks like trippm' up th' H.C.L., thin it's time ye dotted yeer blind eye, so's ye cud obsarve th' millenyal figyure is th' Social Coorse, borrn iv th' foresight iv that indefattygable obsarver, Ditictive P.an' G. Don't think ye'11 go to th ' residential college to larrn annythin' utillytaryan, jawn, like bread an' butter, f'r instance. Ye'11 go f'r pies an' Social Demmycratic tays instid. an' to mix it with yeer fellies an' git yeer corrners chipped off. th' while ye do a little chisellin' on yeer own account. Least-ways, that's what Prof. Huntsman promises ye, and he was iver a fighter an' one fight more, as Wilfy th'Lesser says."
"Young Hogan don't fancy it at all. Jawn. Says it'll be too slow f'r him afther th' Where Am I Club, But take a simple felly like yeerself, that's seen nawthin' iv life exceptin' th' Gr-reat War, an' thin only th' fightin' end iv it. Suppose ye got tired iv arrnin' yeer livin' honestly an' decided to tackle th' lawless sci'nce iv th' Law, as S.P.Q.R. calls it. Ye'd have to be an immachure infant f'r a start, so's ye'd have no mor'l prayjudices to overcome. Whin th' page 17 Ladies' Rugby sayson was just beginnin' to git warrum, ye'd praysint yeerself befure th' iron-barred dure an" yell out, 'Open Pessime! th' way yeer less rispictable ancesthors used to. The massey portyals wud mysteryously swinig back, opened be th' sthrong hand iv Robbie's son, th' genyal Regicide, who is to rob ye first before ye larrn how to git away vvitb it yeerself. 'Ye can't git it without a tuppny sthamp,' says he. in his ingagin' manner; an' if ye haven't th' correct change in yeer pocket,' he says, 'ye'11 take to those pine trees ye see out there, mighty sudden,' he says. 'P'raps they ain't there f'r ye to see, though,' he says, recollectin'. 'Now ye come to mintion it,' he says, 'I rimimber givin' thim th' glad eye. Just wanst,' he says. 'The blasted things ain't there now,' he says, swingin' his head-lights full onto ye."
"Now that makes ye feel at home at wanst, Jawn. Bein' a terrytoryal, ye ar're accustomed to bein' blasted, in Coort an' out. Basiliks ar're yeer reg-lar diet. They c'n stare at ye as much as th' flappers do, if they don't know betther. So ye slap him on th' back an' impose on his craydulity, th' way ye had in th' Arrmy whin ye went to th' Gr-reat War, father, f'r two weeks at Trentham an' time off f'r race meetin's. Ye kid him yeer a new Prof., or whatever it is that intitles ye to jine th' Union, an' at last ye wurruk yeerself into th' place where they pin bits iv pa-aper round th' walls f'r th' la-ads to lean their tired heads aginst. Thin he hands ye a sheaf iv diffrint-coloured pa-apers to marrk according to yeer aims an' inexpeeryence. An' if ye happen to be colour-blind, ye very likely find yeerself committed to a coorse in Domistic Sci'nce or Millin'ry or sompthin', instid iv th' soft snap ye were intendin'.But it wudn't matther what ye tuk, Jawn. so long as ye didn't take it fr'm th' Libr'y, except Rule 3, iv coorse, which nobody'd grieve afther. It wudn't be like th' ould days, whin ye cud git into th' College even though we were a prolytaryat an' had to arrn yeer own livin' in th' spare time that Prof. Gallop left to ye."
"Yeer Virgil friend nixt takes ye round th' diffrint pits an' inthrajooces ye to th' byes: a genyal custom he has, Jawn. f'r he does love th' la-ads, an' don't they love him! P'raps he'll take ye to th' upper circles, where th' Profs roost while their new wings grow; p'raps he won't, though. I won't say much' about th' byes, Jawn, f'r they're like ellyphants: they've terr'ble long mem'ries, though th' Profs don't believe it. An' to tell ye th' truth. Jawn, there's only one felly in th' whole show now, an' that's th' wanrrum young spark they call Fryin' Heavens, he looks so scorched. fr'm his arrdent manner iv expressin' himself, no doubt, or p'raps it's Gin. Th' rist belong to th' Social Demmycratic Party, an' don't count."
"Th' natur'lisation cer'mony over, Jawn, ye'll thence an' thereafter sleep on th' premises, just as if ye were an unforchnit sci'nce stujent or in class. At three a.m. ye'll be awakened be th' babblin' iv Brooks an' th' monotonous sound iv Prof, Gallop choppin' up cases f'r kindlin', to warrum ye with. Whin ye'd rose to damn th' dewy dawn, as friend Croquet wud put it in his mild moments, ye'd peep through veer lattice, still reddylent with th' fragrince iv wood-bine an' hop, an' ye'd see with eyes iv invy th' clans iv Kilbarrn stragglin' home fr'm th' last bout bechune Gilbert an' Sullivan.page 18
An" before th' hunter iv th' East had caught ye in a noose iv ligth' th' Hunter iv th' West 'ud catch ye in a dooced fright, ingaged th' time-honoured institution iv tryin' to dodge th' time-honoured institution iv mornin' chapel; an' it'd be four a.m. before he'd let yel git back to Monday things agin. Thin it d be yeer happy lot to listen to Prof. Murphystopheles expoundin' th' Gospel iv Labour, an' be th' time ye'd be satisfied to labour f'r th' rist iv yeer days, if he'd only allow ye to think it out f'r yeerself, along wud come Prof. Gallop with th' Gospel iv Wurrk. 'I don't like ye wurrkin' on Sundahs,' he says. 'It's bad business,' he says, 'an' agin th' profits. But here,' he says, 'is a home exercise, which ye must hand in on Mondah. It'll take ye tin days to do,' he says, 'but I m makin' ye a concession. Ye can do it in three,' he says, 'an' if ye can't git a arrbon copy iv someone else's answers, ye can hand in th' carrbons. An' ye needn't look so pleased,' he says.'If ye don't do it, ye won't git tarrms. An' if ye do do it,' he says, 'I'll catch ye some other way. I'll larn ye to be law stujents,' he says. An' he does, too, believe me, Jawn. 'But,' he says, 'just let me hear iv ye larrnin' annythin' fr'm annyone else's lechures here, an' I'll—well, I'll be sorry f'r ye,' he says, with a happy smile that makes ye sweat."
"Ye don't git to th' top iv th' tree iv trouble in one reel ayther, Jawn. Ivry branch ye swing onto has a Prof. hangin' fr'm it. Only they're th'boa consthructers, while ye're th'little—now, keep ca'm, Jawn, ye know I don't mean ye pers'n'ly, not while I'm addreassin' ye at any rate. To proceed withcaution, Jawn, there's firrst iv all Prof. MacChesterton, who wanst used to wade through oceans iv blood in th' reptile press anny time annywan said annythin'.He's a gr-reatBible-bangin' la-ad, Jawn; c'n say th' Scripchures through in Garlic, an' loves to raycite thim to his pious class, because they're so litthry, he says. Thin there's Prof. oodrose, iv th' fairy tale diparrtmint : a terr'bly palin laad. Jawn. that don't like plain fact, but is always tryin' to sthuff ye with yarns tould be dayfunct ould liars ages befure th' Navy Leg an' th' noospaapers took th' game out iv their hands. An' there's Prof. Gladrags, who discovered New Zealand, an' says it wud he a solid counthry if only it tarrned its attintion fr'm thayology to jayology. An a quiverful besides iv harrd young Profs, who came fr'm diffrint places all called God's Own Counthry. They're still sizin' us up, Jawn. befure decidin' what way they'll make thimsilver notoryous. An' last, at th' very laste. Jawn, a chicc siliction iv Profissores Minnowres, as young Hogan calls thim, that th' Sinit imploys to do th' things th' grown-up Profs. ar're wise to. Sarcastic young fellies. Jawn. that ye'd mistake f'r some iv yeerselves if it wasn't that they were allowed to talk in class while ye had to listen."
"An' did I lave out th' daddy iv th' lot? Th' howly hermit that sits up aloft an' brings into yeer young lives a paycefulniss that's as .much as ye can howld? Hermil an' a half, I shud say, Jawn, f'r he shares his odour iv sanctity with a neophyte, a beetle-browed young native, a Prince at th' very laste, with a double-jinted title; only I don't look upon him as howly at all, Jawn, whativer he might say. if he had much to say, which he hasn't. I'll say that much page 19 f'r him, th' la-ad! But it's ould Torquemada himself that commands me admiration. Me spacheless admiration, .Jawn! Ye stray into his realm iv dim rayligious light, thinkin' fr'm its payceful sound that it's parrt iv th' whole game an' quite safe f 'r democracy. Innocent youth, in spite iv yeer looks! He sphots ye like Prof. Mae. Wud sphot a wayside thruppence, 'Did I obsarve ye to look at a book?' he quayries, with a curcheousness that freezes ye in yeer tracks. 'Well,' he says, 'we don't incorage it,' he says.'Have ye yeerlaundry carried? He says. Ye recollect with a sinkin' feelin' that ye took down wan iv Prof. Edenson's lechures on a scrap iv pa-aper in yeer pocket, idly thinkin' it was an invite to a jazz parrty which th' tinants iv th' Trainin' College was runnin' in oppysition to sompthin' th' 'Varsity Bearbaitin' S'ciety was puttin' across. Ye lick yeer erackin' lipsan' say, 'Yes, yeer rivrince.' 'Thin,' he says, hornin' into ye with his eye, 'I wud rayspectfully direct yeer attention to Rule 3, which forbids readin' in th' Liarbry. If ye want annythin', ye'll find we've put it on th' Index Expurgatoryous, which no wan is allowed to stand up to. Do ye undherstand?' 'Yes, thank ye, ghostly father,' says ye, ignrintly lettin' yeer mouth slip open. 'I must he says, impalin' ye with a look, 'insist upon yeer strict adhayrince to Rule 3, which for'bids communication with th' innimy. Have ye Found what ye wanted?' 'No, yeer Holiniss,' says ye, fascinated with th' attintion ye're receivin'. 'Thin,' he says, with terri'ble daytarrmination, 'year're required be Rule 3 to refrain fr'm isordherly conduct in th' Liarbry. I'll be gr-reat-ly obliged if ye'll lave th' place befure ye feel inclined to start sompthin'. Or shall I call me friend an' batman, Rajah Brooks, to ray-move yeer remains?'"
"It's a hangin' matther, Jawn, breakin' th' payce in th' Liarbry; an' he kapes th' black cap continusely on his head to ray-mind ye iv th' fact. Ye're lucky if ye don't discover ye've broken th' whole Tin Commandmints without noticin' it. As ye execute a brillyant manoover through th' dure, just have a sido squint at th' Notice Boord an' see how th' wonderful Rule iv Three reads. 'Twill puzzle ye to apply it. lt says sompthin' like th' Liarbry will be closed on Sundahs an' other public holidays f'r th' purpose iv clanin' up th' mess made be th' frigmints iv broken rules lyin' around."
"He's marcyful to ye, though, Jawn. His coadjutor, th' han'—Some young" nobleman, wud firrst cleave ye to th' brisket an' thin thin ye As soon as look at ye, Jawn! But instid, ye're only asked to git out iv th' pitcher. An' ye'll admit th' pitcher looks th' betther f'r it. That is," said Mr. Dooloy, hurriedly, "more payceful."
"What I can't make out," said Mr. Hennessy, "is why they kape all thim disthractin' characthers up there."
"It's public policy, Jawn," said Mr. Dooley."Because talkin's their thrade. An' if ye didn't give thim an outlit f'r their inirgies, they'd only come down here an' fill yeer simple minds with idees ye cudn't howld without sompthin' breakin'. . . . . . . .Ye lave thim me, Jawn," said Mr. Dooley, earnestly. "We git th' rain down here. F'r marcy's sake, kape th' wind on th'Hill!"
P. J. S.