"Tell me, what is a happy medium?"

"An intoxicated spiritualist."

"Tell me, why did the chicken cross the road?"

"Because it wanted to get to the other side."

"Tell me, why do you work in a dynamite factory?"

"I want to make myself quit smoking."

Mother: "Tommy, what are you doing to the cat?"

Tommy: "Daddy said there was five bob in the kitty."

"Tell me, why do you only lake half aspirins?"

"Because I've got a splitting headache."

Alister, I'm sure I heard a mouse squeak!

"Well, what the hell do you want me to do—get up and oil it?"

"Because every time a bus runs over it, it goes squelch."

"Tell me, what are the Poles doing in Russia?"

"Holding up the telephone wires."

"I just saw a dog with no nose."

"A dog with no nose! Tell me, how did it smell?"

"Flipping awful."

Why did the blind carpenter regain his sight?

Because he picked up his hammer and saw.

Said laundrymen to monk at monastery: Have you any dirty habits?

What is the best way to make time go fast?

Use the spur of the moment.

Why does a man who has been beaten up resemble fried fish?

Because he has been as-salted and battered.

"What does your dog say when it sits on sandpaper?"

"Ruff, ruff."

To Keep the Home Fires Burning

A fire chief who deliberately started two house fires in Adelaide was gaoled for twelve months. He is Joseph Walter Stubbs. He pleaded not guilty to starting two fires which caused damage totalling £1250. The judge suggested that Stubbs was a psychopathic case and had no motive for the offences. For him no more the blazing hearths shall burn . . . .

God Defend Australia

In Melbourne recently Prince Otto Friedrich von Ysenburg and Buedingen of Hesse, Germany, said, "We in Germany are very impressed by this white man's fortress which you have built so close to Asia." The Prince said Australia was one of the few countries in the world where white men could still live without intermingling with coloured people. He said he would like to see more German migration to Australia.

Snails Pace it Out

Thousands of edible snails on their way to Swiss restaurants escaped from a railway goods wagon at a Milan siding recently. A railway worker following the slimy trail leading to a nearby field was unable to halt the slow procession of absconding snails before the contents of six packing cases had disappeared into the long grass.

Buttered Both Sides?

Complaint from Fiji: Butter Dumping by New Zealanders Alleged.

—Headline in "Evening Post", May, 1958.

Back to the State of Nature

"Let me assure you that lack of a hot wash will not do the kiddies any harm. I personally have not had a wash for years and am strong and healthy. I believe that cooking food destroys the vitamin content and serious thought should be given to the development of a diet which consists solely of uncooked food (raw vegetables, eggs, etc.)"

—Letter in "Evening Post", signed "Happy Batchelor."