Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Libraries (S.P.C.L. Inc., 1978)

Our attention has been drawn to the intense criticism being hurled unfairly at the library from the safety of the Student Union Building. Through the pages of our newspaper we wish to convey to the library our deepest and most sincere thanks for the excellent services provided.

In fact, we suggest that they work too hard for the often ungrateful cretin called the student. Here are listed, first, the ways in which the library is providing an excellent service to the users, and secondly, ways which in our humble opinion, could even further enhance the marvellous service already provided.

In the first term, the library was closed on Saturday afternoon so we could enjoy our cricket and tennis, those relaxed sunny afternoons spent drinking and playing sport with our friends or displaying that physique, (which we had spent all last winter developing) at the beach, and not get any pangs of guilt, all due to the library.

Thank you Library.

The library closes at 6 pm on Friday so that we can take our elderly neighbours shopping; such community spirit.

Thank you Library.

We notice also, that the library does not open until 1 pm on Sunday. This is so that we can recover from our wicked little hang-overs received from the previous evening's spiritful gatherings.

Thank you Library.

The library closes at 5.30 pm on Sunday so we can go to church and confess our little errors of the previous week and pray that we may do even better in the following week.

Thank you Library.

In the weeks preceeding the exams, the library does not open on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday nights. This is to prevent students from working too hard, straining themselves unnecessarily, and to keep their nerves and eyesight intact so that they may read the examination paper.

Thank you Library.

The library reduces its hours during the May and August vacations. This is so that part-time students cannot possibly make it into the library during the week therefore, not having to feel guilty about work they are not doing, during, what are after all, vacations.

Thank you Library.

Now to the library's generous hours on public holidays. On ANZAC day, the library is open between 1 and 5.30 pm. This gives us time to recover from the various dawn parades we have no doubt attended. Also, this means that the students not only have a light study day to temporarily relieve the pressure of all those terms tests and essays which are due before the end of the term but to relive the glories of bygone days at the local RSA. The library is also closed over most of Easter. This gives us a final weekend at the beach before the onset of winter and a chance to meet the Easter Bunny. The light hours for which the library opens on Queen's Birthday are to allow us to drink many toasts to her health in the morning, then watch her message on television at night and to continue to toast to the queen till the wee small hours. On labour Day, the library opens from 8.30 to 11.00 pm so that we can remember the true spirit of the occasion and work all day.

Thank you Library.

Now we shall turn our attention to the issuing hours. During the week, the library opens its doors at 8.30 am and begins to issue its books at 9.00 am. On Saturday, both of these functions occur at 9.00 am. This is because, during the week, we have those bothersome lectures to think about before any other work, but on Saturday, we are carefree, so it is straight into our essays and study. There is no issuing of books on Sunday so that we do not have to carry those heavy bothersome things, (which could distract us) to church. Issuing stops half an hour before the library closes on Friday and first term Saturdays, yet stops two hours before closing time Monday to Thursday, and five hours before closing time on second and third term Saturdays. This is to give the books a rest and an early night before the big rush the following morning. Young books need their sleep.

Thank you Library.

The library is up to date with the latest education theories of group work. Consequently it allows both staff and users alike to talk as long as they like, as loud as they like.

Thank you Library.

The library staff are also concerned that you get home nice and early after your evening study. This is why, ten minutes before closing time, the lights are turned out. Prior to this [unclear: aleful] thought, a buzzer is sounded to bring you from the depths of your study.

Thank you Library.

We now suggest some improvements to the service. The last buzzer at night could be sounded louder so that our flatemates can know that we are coming home and can plug the jug in for our hot choccy nightcap. If rung first thins in the morning it will provide Wellington with an excellent alarm clock service. If students were to bring candles or battery operated lights, the library would save immensely on power. Only dimmed lighting would be necessary. Think of the poetry that could be written in such a romantic setting.

Holiday Hours

Question to the Librarians: Will the Library be open at nights during the August vacation? I work in town and need to know so I can plan my work up here at university. I need the Library after work to study and swott.

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