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Story of the 34th

Malsi Madness

page 141

Malsi Madness

Adjutant: This man is charged with Using insubordinate language in that when asked why he entered for the Maiden Chop at the Malsi wood-chop and wouldn't chop at the time when he should have chopped, replied that he made only one chop in the Maiden Chop and then wouldn't chop any more.
CO: (a bit stunned)—er, read that a bit more slowly will you?
Adjutant: reads it again with tedious exactness.
CO: (turning to accused) So it was the Maiden Chop, eh?
Accused: No, the wood chop, sir.
CO: But you wouldn't chop, they tell me.
Accused: No sir, not in the Maiden Chop.
CO: Let's steady down and get this straight. You wouldn't chop in the Maiden Chop, because why?
Accused: Well, I made a chop…
CO: Yes, that's right, the Maiden Chop, but the Adjutant says it was a case of you wouldn't chop.
Accused: Of course it was a wooden chop. I wouldn't have entered if it hadn't been wooden.
CO: You could have chopped through the whole of the wood without stopping.
Accused: I didn't see no hole in the wood. You see, I made a chop, but didn't male no hole, so that's why I wouldn't chop any more.
CO: What I mean is—we wouldn't expect chaps who could chop to enter in a Maiden Chop, so you should have gone on chopping, because no one else could chop either.
Accused: But I made such a bad chop when I tried. If the others had only made one chop—
Co: But all the others weren't Maiden Chops. There were Novice Chops, and Championship Chops, and Standing Chops.
Accused: Were all those wooden chops, too?
CO: Yes, of course, you couldn't have a wood chop unless what you chopped was wooden.
Accused: Well, then, would a chap chop better if he chopped in more wood chops with other chaps?
CO: Of course, my boy. All you've got to do to have a wood chop, is to get the chaps, then the blocks, have the chops, then sweep up the chips.
Accused: Thank you, sir.