Weir Confessions

Once again a year has passed; once again we feel it our duty to give you the up and up on the low. Many weary hours we have spent seeking the truth above members of Weir House. The classics have solved the problem to many, while in others we can only publish the truth.

N.B.—All characters in this work are purely fictitious.

• Alpers—Not one of the lesser alps.
• Bagnall—Walks as though he had a white hot poker behind him.
• Baker—Far, far from the madding crowd's ignoble strife. His sober wishes never learn to stray.
• Birks— A bad case—even sings on the football field.
• Bowie—There ain't no fun in women.
• Bradshaw—An unintentional bigamist.
• Brown—As editor of "Smad" has the last word, but his face speaks for itself.
• Buist—A thing wherein we feel there is some hidden want.
• Bythell—The wilful and the wayward.
• Campbell—I'll raise the preparations of a war.
• Carlyon—A gay Lothario in the making.
• Christie—Owner of a patent supper detector.
• Clare—A sage companion.
• Clinkard—All the world's his brother.
• Cocker—It does not speak but I will follow it.
• Curtis—I had rather heat my liver with drinking.
• Donne—A budding lawyer and at present snow white.
• Donovan—Ball boy for the tennis club.
• Hade—Biology's blunder.
• Edgley—Woe sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie.
• Feltham— Pat—What's a grandmother amongst friends, anyway.
• Feltham—Dick—Censors Pat's 'phone calls.
• Fox—It's not the fault of the College at Silver-stream.
• Galbraith— Untidy in appearance. The owner of a hat (new).
• Grover—Love at first sight was his trouble.
• Hansen—Has joined the ranks of the workingmen.
• Hall—Porky. A garrulous barrel-like mass with a moan all his own.
• Harding—An innocent in Paris.
• Hatherly—Quiet and soft-spoken.
• Haves—A child who screams out curses.
• Heenan—Red radical.
• Henderson—In loco parentis.
• Hoffmeister—F.A.H.S.O.P.A., which means from the turnips.
• Holderness—The Charon of Weir House.
• Holmes—Some Cromwell guiltless of his country's blood.
• Hornsby—Religion Douglas Credit, but otherwise O.K.
• Horsley—Keep your tail up
• Hutchens—Has a wandering hand—on the piano.
• Keating—Is very cunning on the stunts.
• Lyons.—Always wished to learn French so that he could understand the Folies Bergeres.
• Mason—Fat, All bull and a yard wide.
• Moore—The answer to a maiden's prayer.
• Mouatt—Thy dark vague eyes and soft abstracted air.
• Mules—John Flip—Has a different slant on life.
• Mccarthy'S—Ditto for us.
• Mcelwain—Gets drunk with philosophy and philosophizes when he's drunk.
• Mcghie—Pronounced McGh—A staunch Club man.
• McIntosh—Sculler and cynic.
• McIntosh—Bathes in reflected glory.
• McLeod—We are doubtful about his week-ends.
• McNaught—Unobtrusive—a dabbler in smells.
• Ngata—Miscue—Founder of the two-nch rule.
• Neubauer—Podge—From the West Coast, and looks like it.
• O'Connor—All Eddie heaves fiercely his forest clothed frame.
• Odell— Made official photographer to ensure that he would not be in any photos of the institution.
• Oliver—Knight of the Red Cross.
• O'Reilly—Songwriter—the sweetest of all singers.
• B. O. Shea—The boy soprano and night operator.
• Park—You must still be bright and quiet. And content with simple diet.
• Parker—Nice to look at, but drinks his bath water.
• Paul—An apostle of torpitude.
• Powell—A Wanganni tough of no particular merit.
• Rapley—See Henderson.
• Redwood—If nothing else is a member of the IIIc's.
• Richmond—We know him not.
• Sage—The toothless hag.
• Sainsbury—On the football field his breath comes in short pants, leaving nothing to cover his legs.
• Scott—A Pale-faced wraith whose visionary ken is amongst the clouds.
• Seifert—Got in the rough at Rotorua.
• Simpson—Hobbyobserving sunrises.
• Smythe—Colin—A real bruiser.
• Smythe—Jack—I hear a soul in torment.
• Stewart—Built on lean and hungry lines.
• Sullivan—Just another Son of Erin.
• Te Punga—Can make a noise like a cat in distress.
• Thurston—Has white spots on his finger-nails.
• Viggers—A harrier, misguided but keen.
• Watts—One of the bright young things.page 11
• Wansbrough—Fortune's Fool.
• Watson—Scotch, except with the hot water.
• Whitcombe—Has 3 or 4 tennis racquets, so must be able to play the game.
• Whitworth—the jazz king.
• Wild—Herb.—Is unfortunate in having to witness the springtime of another's love.
• Wild—Harold—Kid brother of Herb.—and causes him a lot of worry.
• Willis—Off with the old love—on with the new.
• Wills—A Taranaki tough.
• Wilson—A very learned counsel.
• Zohrab—Demure and modest with his comely beard.