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SMAD. An Organ of Student Opinion. 1933. Volume 4. Number 3.

Sinnacle Stories. — The Tappertits

page 6

Sinnacle Stories.

The Tappertits.

Once upon a time there were some little chaps whom we will call Tappertits because they were like the fellow in Barnaby Rudge and loved raising the Dickens which is a very comical thing to do. So they got up and doing which means that they cut out learning anything but just talked the way they had heard professors doing except of course that the professors knew something about something at least thats the sort of reputation professors have and who knows but their isnt an element of truth in it although yon cant be sure for when yon have forgotten all you have learnt from professors you dont feel much different but thats because you really didnt learn anything at all or maybe the professor hadnt much to teach except perhaps a lot of words you hadnt heard before and l am not saying that a lot of words arent jolly useful especially in these times when people will swallow anything so long as it consists of words for it is words that make the world go round but going round makes things a bit dizzy and thats a very apt description of the times in which we live. And as the Tappertits wanted very much to he up-to-date they first of all talked themselves dizzy and then tried to get everyone else dizzy too so that they would want to change this sorry scheme of things entire by just standing their heads and waving their feet in the air which would be a Revolution and quite easy to do if you have the spirit to get your nose whithersoever it might lead which is obviously what your nose is intended for else why should it be always pointing in some direction or other.

Well the Tappertits soon developed cheesy notions about everything except themselves which made them think they needed self-expression so they started a little paper with a cover the colour of cheese but they were too shrewd to call it the Cheese or the Yellow Journal or any give-away name like that they just called it Stewed Rant for everything in it had to be more or less cooked up and they thought it was pretty hard-boiled but it wasnt hard-boiled at all only half-baked by which I dont mean raw for the things they printed in it had stopped being raw somewhere about the time of Queen Anne and were so out-of-date that people had forgotten all about them so that you could always dig them up again and pass them off as new without anybody noticing anything ahout them except that they were a bit mouldy which you could always say was the verdant spirit of youth. Aud they put in the Stewed Rant that it was the barrel organ of the Flea Discussions Club and theres no doubt about it that it made enough empty noises for a dozen barrels but heres where the falry tale comes in the Stewed Rant was a most tremendous success and in no time everybody especially the S.C.M. were crowding around the Tappertits imploring them to be their Pied Pipers and lead them off to the Promised Land which of course was Russia the land of Promises so the Tappertits gathered them all together and taught them the goosestep and they all marched away to the music of the sexophone playing the Song of the Vodka Boatman until they came to Moscow which is so-called because the people are a lot of cattle and wear moss on their faces but when the Tappertits came along the Russian wouldnt hae anything to do with them because they didnt hae the regulation face-fittings so they turned them round-about and told them to stay away until they were properly furnished with fungus and if they had any sense they would try growing it on the five year plan for that was the only number under heaven whereby mankind could be saved.

So the Tappertits swore by Vodka and all the other gods of the Russians that they would play fives until their frontispieces were all foliage then they marched away again just like special constables and when they got back to the College they received an awful shock for everything had gone to pot in their absence and the students had given up Marx for marks and were swotting like mad just to see if there was anything in it for theres nobody like a student for trying out a new idea just for the your life theres always somebody ready and willing sake of the kick to be got out of it and you can bet to give the student a good hard kick but all this so disgusted the Tappertits that they went down town and joined the Capitalist Classes just like all Tappertits do when they get on a bit and as usual they were very successful for instance Katson became Christian Science curate and Wartz a pillow of the British Empire and Baba joined the New Zealand Legion and Powwow established a kindergarten for the children of special constables but they never never deserted their principles or failed to collect their interest and when they had grown old and wealthy they used to meet regularly every Mayday and call each other names for old times sake and talk sadly of the goodolddays when they used to attend a College which was built of red bricks and what might have been if only they could have pulled the whole show down and perhaps slung one of the bricks through the Memorial window at the scabs sitting in the Library or perhaps through Brookys window because he wouldnt use Russian spirit but remained loyal to the Empire and bought spirit imported from the land where Katz came from and so no and so on and so on. And thus they lived happily for ever after.

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