A Little Girl Protests.

Darling "Smad,"—

One of the great advantages of having read the world's classics, says a prominent writer (not me), is that it enables one to speak on terms of equality with other bores. But that is not so. One would have to read either tracts and whatnot, or else join the f.o.s.u. (in small type, please". That's all it deserves) to be on an equality with the bores up here at V.U.C. Why Must the Christians wander round trying to justify themselves, and why can't the communists and the socialists, and all the other -ists leave me in peace. Oh, I Wish they would. And then there are the violent pro-Britishers who Will persist in having the most Awful arguments directly behind me, even in lectures, and simply won't listen to what the lovely professor has to say, and use the most dreadful language to the poor defenceless communists who didn't do anything but gabble idiocy all over the place, and goodness knows They can't help it. all Oh yeah's, and sez you's, thats the dinkum oil, and Oh, all sorts of terrible expressions that I'm sure no Good girl should hear!!

Oh, won't you use your Influence to stop it, so that I can have some peace? I know I'm only a woman, but you will, won't you, dearest? If you do I'll kiss you.

Executive Letter.

Dear "Smad,"—

My Executive wishes me to report to the Students matters which have been dealt with recently by the Executive.

Books Committee.— An effort is now being made to begin a Text-book Supply Scheme, the object of which is to supply to students text-books, both new and second-hand, at English published prices, plus postage. Any student who wishes for any information should apply to Mr. D. M. Burns, who has been appointed convener of the Books Committee.

Students would be well advised to take advantage of this scheme, as a considerable reduction on the price of hooks can be obtained, and it is hoped that an arrangement will be made to supply not only text-books on these terms.

The following appointments have been made:—

Tournament Delegates. W. S. Harris and R. E. Diederich.

N.U.S. Corresponding Secretary, R. E. Diederich.

Sub-Editor of "Spike."—C. N. Watson.

A grant of £93 has been made to the Tennis Club and £60 to the Cricket Club.

A Kick for Cupid.

Dear "Smad,"—

I am no puritan. Petting and/or necking have their delights. Even the more robust moments indeed have charm. But there are limits.

The Common-Common Room was put aside for the conversational moments of young men ana maidens. It has already fallen on evil days as regards furniture, but now it won't be long before the evil tongues begin. Several of us have been shocked at recent occurrences in this room. Here, with the light on and the blinds up perish the thought!), was observed only last week a couple indulging in unrestrained osculation and other signs of immature devotion. If two young hearts wish to palpitate as one, I suggest that they in future try it in some more secluded spot. This may be springtime, but evidences of the livelier iris changing on the burnished dove should be carefully excluded from the College buildings.

Is this to continue to be a University College, or is it to become something far worse than the night-school it has already been called? Have we not a cemetery adjacent? I look to you, Sir, for help in stopping this disgraceful conduct. A strong body of student opinion is against doing these things in public, or semi-public, or semi-private, and I hope that the University tradition of freedom of everything will not be sullied by further fractures of the Eleventh Commandment, which, as every student knows, reads: "And the last and most binding Rule of Conduct is this: that ye shall not be Found out."

"Betty" Hits Back.

Dear "Smad,"—

As a creature whose "low cunning" enables her to deceive our 'Varsity sheiks, but whose "flaws" are nevertheless apparent to men of the world (i.e. as a 'Varsity girl), I venture to offer a little advice to our eminent connoisseur, "Barnacle Bill, 'The Bachelor.'"

With reference to the statement of our venerable friend: "real equality would be tantamount to devotion." might I suggest a Pocket Oxford as a good investment.

It is, of course, difficult for the 'Varsity girl to act as anything but a foil to the wit and genius of dashing young men. But the prayers of "Barnacle Bill," should he survive "the diseases to which the flesh is heir to," will surely be answered, for "the Lord will preserve him from the 'Varsity woman!

Control of Debates.

Dear "Smad,"—

As one who regularly attends the 'Varsity debates, I feel that the attitude of the chairmen at recent debates calls for some criticism. So far this year there have been somewhere about two debates managed at all well. Most of us have observed and heard those sheiks or love birds who go along to the debates, settle down comfortably near the heaters, and then proceed to drown the sound of the debaters by their noisy conversations, frequently interspersed with much laughter. And not a word all the time from the chair. Then, again, at a recent debate, after a prolonged and loud argument at the back of the hall, someone succeeded in placing a girl's shoe and beret in the fork at the top of one of the pillars, to the accompaniment of much barracking, and not a word of protest came from the chair, though at the time of the disturbance someone was speaking on the platform.

Now, sir, might I suggest that a man who has sufficient strength of mind to quell such disturbances be appointed as chairman and so give those who go along to hear the debates a reasonable chance of doing 80.

Future Life at Weir House.

Dear "Smad,"—

Already the whisper is creeping round the local hoarding houses, hostels, pubs, soup kitchens, and dumps of various kinds that the Weir House is soon to fling open its portals—to whom?

There is a disquieting premonition at present disturbing the mental equanimity of the more profound thinkers among those who propose to enter this establishment—is our future home to be dominated by (a) the S.C.M., (b) the law students. We fear that when (c) equals the rest of us (a) and (b) is greater than (c).

Let us make a brief survey of the two great vortices of University life within these intellectual walls—the Common Room, with its more select prototype, the Debating Society— and the Cafeteria. The first group is infected with Law, in its most virulent form. One cannot approach these precincts without becoming nauseated with the babble of legal voices. The discussions promulgated by the noisy habitues are invariably either clamourous decisions on all points of controversy with the sublime assurance of arrogant immaturity, or of such a pornographic nature as to cause the ubiquitous but scandalised S.C.M. members to hide their furtive smirks behind the letter rack. If one ventures to attend a debate one is bathed in the same waves of unbridled verbosity as inundate the Common Room.

Descending to the Cafeteria, through knots of Brothers and Sisters improving the relations of the sexes, one finds that the sanctimonious murmurings of the inevitable Truth-seekers drown even the uproar of mastication.

The unruffled calm of many a University Club has frequently been disturbed by inruptions of both legal peacockery and academic proselytism. On such occasions the mental gymnastics of these invaders is almost as appropriate) among the meditative calm of the rest of the members as is the presence of ungulate non-ruminant omnivorous mammals among those lustrous concretions usually associated with the edible bivalve molluscs.

We could tell more of these interested personages, but we never descend to personalities.

We know that it is too much to hope for a mitigation of these evils within this forcing house of learning, but the prospect of residential cohabitation with A and B (see above) is too appalling to be contemplated. We appeal to the submerged but saner students to rescue Weir House from its impending fate.

Let's Go Puritan.

Hear "Smad."—

A notice in the Men's Common Room prompts me to send you one or two suggestions. I see that our worthy committee has decreed it, in its wisdom, necessary to suppress the playing of that innocent, of the innocentest of games, shovel— oh, i mean poker—and, mark you, that any game, no matter its origin, genre or sophistication must be played at the tables (?) provided.

This, sir, I consider very proper and praiseworthy. But why stop at that? Surely the committee is not going to permit that disgusting habit, smoking, to be continued? And the discussing and arguing and yarning that goes on? Cannot we make the room a place of meditation, a place where we can think of some of the higher things.

I would suggest:

(1) That before entering the sacred precincts, each man should remove his shoes, so as not to defile the floor with footwear that has come into contact with things of the world.

(2) That a photograph of Mr. J. Paterson be hung on the wall, and that on entering, each student make humble obeisance, by touching his head on the floor. This is in recognition of J. P.'s services on the Common Room Committee, and

(3) That upon entering, each student should sit akimbo on the floor, with his head bowed, and engage in silent meditation during his stay in the sand room.

Hope you'll pass these suggestions on.

Mock Democracy?

Dear "Smad,"—

The writer at the end of last year was approached by a number of persons who described themselves as the Men's Common Room Committee with the aims of improving and beautifying the M.C.R., and requested a donation towards a fund for such purpose. The writer, in a rash moment, promised to donate a certain sum, and also in an excess of enthusiasm spent several half-days in applying paint to the walls and roof of such Common Room.

It has come to the writer's notice that this M.C.R.C. was self-elected, and it now has the pleasure (?) of electing a committee to elect the next year's committee. When inquiries were made as to the reason for this unusual procedure, the information was vouchsafed that the Professorial Board had refused to have a committee elected by popular vote.

Who will support a M.C.R. Vigilance Committee to see that this M.C.R.C. does not become too autocratic?

A Hand-Clap for "The Ship."

Dear "Smad,"

Miss Webber, in her criticism of "The Ship," supports the claims of comedy as against more serious dramatic effort. Apparently she believes that comedy would help to alleviate the atmosphere of depression which has engulfed us by making people laugh. Now, without denying, comedy its undoubted place in our lives I would suggest to Miss Webber that a far more worthy and a far more difficult objective to attain is to make people think. Of course it is possible we may laugh our way out of this disastrous depression—and doubtless find ourselves in exactly the same position when a similar catastrophe surprises the world once again. I submit, sir, that if people give more time to thinking and less to laughing a permanent solution to our problems might be a little nearer.

I do not, of course, suggest that "The Ship" offers a solution to our present difficulties; but it is undeniably a thought-provoking play. Here I again, perhaps, differ from Miss Webber in that I believe a University should lead, encourage and inspire the community in serious and progressive thought.

The fact that "The Ship" did not prove a great "draw" with the public is, probably, rather a compliment than the reverse—a reflection not on the play, but on those that stayed away—the best rarely draws a crowd. Low comedy would doubtless have produced bumper houses—so why not low comedy. Miss Webber?

Perhaps Miss Webber is thinking of the box-office receipts; but I wonder does she appreciate or even understand fully the significance of these words which, I trust, are no strangers to her—Sapietia magis auro desideranda.

Finally, Miss Webber ventures into actual dramatic criticism. Apart from the fact that she is here quite at. variance with the greatest recognised authorities on the drama in regard to suitability or choice of plays for amateur production. I should like to ask what claims Miss Webber has which justify her launching forth as dramatic critic. Is it her erudition, her wide knowledge of play-reading, experience as an actress, ability as producer, or—well, what it it?

I should suggest to Miss Webber that she might find much that would help her future criticisms in Pope's "Essay on Criticism," where, amongst other things, she may read:

"In Poets as true genius is but rare,"

True taste as seldom is the Critic's share."

Sir. I should like to congratulate the Dramatic Club on its production of "The Ship," for which, with this isolated exception, I have heard nothing but praise and appreciation.

Answers to Correspondents.

• "B.B. the B."—Try new subject next time. You have the knack.
• M.B.—Do something with the legal aspect missing. A bit of variety helps.
• "A Not so very Ancient Story"—Contributions should be accompanied by the name of the contributor.
• D.B,—We didn't like the subject. Have another shot during the Christmas Holidays.
• "Kaire."—Unsuitable for "Smad." Will communicate with you.