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Tangleword Tales

(3) Committeetotal.

In the darkest days of winter, which is the swarming season for Dark Horses, a Night School over a hundred miles from the Dry Area threw an election to rope these bosses in as it wasn't safe to have them abroad.

So the hosses, being tempted with wild oats, became aspirants or entrants, and gave their applications to the Returning Officer, a stable name for the insider who wants to know the results before anyone else, and looks wise and important and keeps everyone waiting for hours, and when they yell "Tell us the results, darn yer!" he just says "Neigh!"

Well, after all the nominations had been handed in, everyone got into a hang of a froth and bubble of excitement about the elections, and everyone enjoyed themselves by talking as quietly and wisely as possible about the chances of the perspirants, which is what they will be if the Prof. Board doesn't like them, and is a much better name than candidate, because that stinks of examinations and other messy things. The voters were awfully proud of their rights, and said bai jove, we are glad those impossible freshers cannot have a vote because they are far too young; but we have reached years of discretion, which means shaving every morning and staying out late, and we know what we want and how to get it. So they held little meetings in rooms and other common places, and put their heads together, and said what say we run a ticket, which is another name for persuading everyone to vote for certain perspirants instead of each on his merits, which is sometimes very risky, as he mightn't have any. And they thought of all the tickets they knew but tram tickets were plebeian, which means thank God I am not as other men are, and tote tickets were too expensive, so they decided to copy the tepid bath ticket, which allows anyone who likes water in it to swim as much as he likes for a season if he can swim and if he buys a season ticket and if he doesn't mind a mouthful of second-hand H. 2 O. once or twice in a while, which is very likely to happen when fat fellows like Joey Mount joy feel that to swim is humid but to dive div-ine. which is plagiarism but; pleasant, and that's the main thing, as Brooky will tell you any old time. At the same time, they pinched an idea from the Cafeteria, which is another name for the 'Varsity piggery, as our ancestral monks would say, and which gives a free drink with every hot meal, just like a counter lunch, only slower, and with these two ideas they drew up a ticket which they thought was a corker one, but was really the very opposite. And they reckoned this ticket business was the best idea they had ever had, which is perhaps some excuse, as they might not have had too many.

At last the elections were over, and everyone tootled over to the Gym. and started singing soldiers' songs just to keep their mouths occupied and stop them from feeling dry, and after a long time the President and the Secretary came slowly out and pretended that they didn't give a darn how much row the students made, which hurt the students, so they shut up till someone with red hair said that the auditor, who is the man who writes funny remarks on the annual report, hadn't certified the budget. So the President got up and said who would certify a thing like that, anyway, when it wasn't necessary, and that he was in a position to speak with authority on the subject, and that any fool could recognise that the items in the budget (and especially joy night which must have been hang of a fun with policemen and dice and things) were quite mad and tit only for sending to Porirua, and he himself was quite prepared to move in that direction. And all the students also seemed very moved, and one of them suggested that the newest club, which was number forty-seven on the 'Varsity Club list, should be given six blues for so successfully harrying the other clubs, and after another student had moved that the S.C.M., which means Sapiemntia Cum M'aggis, or Someone's Calling Me, be also given six blues on purely moral grounds, which weren't many; so Charlie Plank jumped up and said that six of one was half-a-dozen of the other, and 'Varsity blues weren't much chop in any case, so everyone gave in and the answer was an onion, which shows that you never know till after.

Then the chairman decided that he ought to let them know who had won the 1932 'Varsity raffle, which was very considerate of him, and met with loud hiccups and generous offers of raspberries, which just shows that even students appreciate kindness, and any attempt to spare the child and spoil the general effect.

So the chairman said ladies and gents., I have pleasure in disclosing the contents of a sealed envelope in my hip posket containing about a pint—er—the names of the winning horses in to-day's match, and I am pleased to say that although some of the Haeremai, Club voted in the right direction many of the students who were left went West during the elections, which means that they have put the why into Yeast, thus preventing it from rising, which is good luck for some people, but I weep for the Haeremai Club; however, all the other perspirants on the ticket have staggered past the post to win in a decanter, and speaking for myself, although the last Exec, had dry rot, not for want of dry gin, the new one seems very popular and may not restrict the glorious right of free speech or of syncopation, which is a very musical word, and means uneven movement from bar to bar. Upon hearing this news the students abandoned themselves to thunders of cheering and jeering, and kept asking each other if it was time to gather at the river or not, which it wasn't, so they dragged themselves to their feet and howled the old College song that the very retiring President was a jolly good fellow, and after passing votes of thanks to the chairs for the sturdy way they had upheld the very bases of College life the meeting broke up in disorder, just like the writing on the wall, and now children I'll say Goo-hic-nih'.

Junius.