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Victoria University College Capping Programme 1931

Extracts From a Future History of New Zealand

page 14

Extracts From a Future History of New Zealand.

It was in December, 1941, that the people, disappointed and angry at Mr. 'Olland's failure to carry out his pre-election promises of "Free Beer for Unionists" and the "Banks Controlled by Waterside Workers," uttered in despair the cry, "O! for a Mussolini."

"Pro Bono Publico" writing to the "Dominion," uttered these memorable words: "The best way to obtain good and efficient government in New Zealand is to find someone who will govern her well and efficiently." Shortly afterwards "Truth" headed the Press campaign with posters:—
  • Democrats Demand Dictator.
  • Facts About P. Freezer's Frenzied Finance.
  • Professor Pulverizes Parliaments.

As every school-child knows—and even many University students—it was Gordon Groatz who leapt to his country's aid. The man who had given New Zealand the Baby Bonus and North Auckland Railway left his country still further in (his) debt by becoming its dictator. A scene of unprecedented enthusiasm preceded the Purging of Parliament (Dec. 14th, 1941). Cheering crowds of men, women, children and dogs lined the streets as the limousine of the great man swept down towards Parliament on its historic mission. What follows is too well known to need repeating. The magnificent scene in which Mr. Groatz cleared the house wtih the aid of the Secondary School Cadets (the sole military force remaining in New Zealand), and with the words, "You are no longer wanted, gentlemen; I can get things done myself," will ring ever through the annals of New Zealand as a call to high endeavour. Still more memorable is the action of Mr. Vorbes, who with tears in his eyes said to his victorious rival, "You win, Gordon, old man; I'm back to the farm."

No sooner was Mr. Groatz installed as Dictator with a purple robe and the title of Il Confidenze, than the railway system of New Zealand was remodelled. No longer did a few isolated lines connect the larger towns of New page 15 Zealand. There was no village but had its branch-line, and the Upper Hutt-Carterton trans-mountain main line was a miracle of engineering. His slogan was "A Railway to every Back Door." The Groatz Eighteen-month Plan allowed for the complete railwayisation of New Zealand within that period. In an historic speech he said: "Our ideal is one man one railway. Every child born into this country becomes the inheritor of one complete railway system" (Cheers). Three Cook's Strait Tunnels were constructed in one month alone.

The ease and rapidity with which II Confidenze borrowed money from the capitalists of the world astonished everyone. No sooner was the interest on the loan due than Mr. Groatz was able to persuade Isaac Isaacstein to advance further millions to the internal development of New Zealand. It is said that the great man had the following motto hanging above his bed: "Ten Millions a Month and Fifty at Xmas," and his I.O.U. Indexing System was the marvel of business men the world over.

Finally the end came. [Following passage by F.P.W. alone.] Saviour of his country, he was slain by a band of N.Z. farmers who objected to the light work of paying Mr. Groatz's debts. On his deathbed he spoke as follows:—"Good-bye, my very dear friends. I leave my cherished railways to George Vorbes, the breweries to my old pal, Mr. Troup, the wireless stations to Bob Semple, and my I.O.U.'s to the people of New Zealand. Good-night, everybody, good-night."

Hints to Municipal Electors.

(1)Women! Vote for Miss Amy Kane. Aren't you tired of City Fathers? Let's have a City Mother. Miss Kane will reduce rates and increase expenditure.
(2)Men! Vote for Hislop. He will increase rates, reduce expenditure, and run trams to the Upper Hutt every three minutes.
(3)Do you understand the dead-cat menace? Purify the city's water supply by voting the Ratepayers' Association Ticket. Have you noticed that nasty taste in the tea?
(4)Wouldnt you like a real Riviera Carnival in Wellington? The City Fathers dressed as comic constables and pelting pretty girls with confetti? Vote the Civic League Ticket and put the whizz in Wellington.page 16
(5)Beer fountains in Willis Street? The three-hour day! Fireworks on Saturday nights, and a riot on Labour Day! The Fire Brigade will stunt at Kilbirnie Stadium every Tuesday, and tram races will be held down Adelaide Road every other afternoon. Vote Labour and get a free season ticket to Trentham.

Write limericks on your voting-papers? Buck up the poor returning-officer. Here's a sample:

There was a young girl of Australia.

Who went to a ball as a dahlia,

When the petals uncurled,

It revealed to the world

That the dress as a dress was a fahlia.

Keep them clean though. Remember Mr. Tanner.


Support home industries. Write to our papers about the Municipal Elections! Swamp the "Dominion" and smother the "Post"! Criticise the candidates and scarity their speeches! Pick their policies to pieces! Can you save the country? Write to the "Dominion" about it. Do you know what's wrong with the world? Tell the "Post." The Editor's a Communist with a strong Conservative bias, so he won't mind what you say. Writer of the best letter will be awarded:

1st Prize—The Northland Tunnel.

2nd Prize—The new War Memorial.

(8)Why have a Censor? Make your Mayor let Wellingtonians see the naked truth! We can stand it. Vote for Vice! Plump for Prurience! Tip out Tanner!
(10)Please kiss the returning-officer good-bye. He'll like it.