page 51

A Varsity "Sportsman" who Plays for an Outside Team

It has been well put by Sam Clements, Florida, Missouri, that there are just two occasions in the life of a man when he should refrain from speculating, vis., when he can't afford it, and when he can. Adopting a similar pleasantry, some student "sportsmen" urge that those who are eligible to wear the green and gold should refuse to play for Varsity teams in only two sets of circumstances, viz., when they haven't any time to play, and when they have.

Recently, a Psychological clinic, consisting of a Professor of Philosophy and several Honours students, was set up to investigate certain cases of these "sportsmen." It was felt that an examination would result in some extraordinary disclosures, and that from the collected data would be drawn hypotheses which would be acclaimed by pioneer psychologists the world over, as striking and epoch-marking contributions to knowledge. At first, however, upon being approached, these "sportsmen," to whom Varsity means so little that they play consistently for outside teams, showed, very naturally, a great deal of diffidence in presenting themselves before the clinic. It was urged on their behalf that, as the cases to be examined were obviously abnormal, it would be hardly fair to submit them to the harrowing methods of the psychological clinic.

A professional phrenologist deposed that he had made a careful study of the cases and had found that, in common, they showed a pronounced bump of self-esteem. An exaggerated growth of the egotistic tendencies was obvious from a kink in the convolutions of the motor area of the cerebal cortex. He was positive that the bases of esprit-de-corps, customarily to be found in the Fissure of Sylvius in the left hemisphere of the cerebrum, were entirely absent.

An astrologist of world-wide repute and unblemished reputation, stated that she had cast a horoscope of the Nativity of each case. She said that a disturbing feature in each chart was to be found in the appearance of Mars in the tenth house. This, unfortunately, indicated strongly anti-social tendencies, failure to benefit by higher education and liability to keen suffering at the hands of the community unless carefully protected by patient and understanding sympathisers, and highly qualified technical experts. She stated, further, that each of the nativities showed Saturn in Venus, which indicated early promise followed by blighted hopes, loss of friends and material ruin. She regretted that each horoscope was most unfortunate and she urged strongly that the cases should be forthwith consigned to an institution.

The Professor and his assistants then proceeded to a Psycho-analytical exploration. It became more and more obvious to all, as the investigation proceeded, that the cases were mentally enfeebled. When asked by the analyist why he preferred to play for Institute, one "sportsman" replied 'that he liked the sound of the name and hoped to remain with that club till he died. Another, when questioned as to why he played with Old Boys, replied that his uncle used page 52 to be very friendly with a man who played for that club; and besides, in Winter time, its players wore a white jersey which showed up the mud best. One man who showed a little more intelligence than his fellows in the course of cross-examination, stated that he had more friends in the team he played with than he had at Varsity. He explained apologetically that he made friends very slowly. The Librarian, Mr. Brooks, and the Professor of Greek, were the only persons at Victoria College with whom he had established intimate friendship. He explained that he played more happily with those whom he had known as a child, than he did with strangers.

The Report of the Clinic has just come to hand. Inter alia, it is stated: "these men must soon become a permanent charge on the State" . . . "their presence at Victoria College is a menace, both to the institution and to the College" . . . "in view of the facts that Varsity teams have a reputation to uphold, and that the lack of sportsmanship, on the part of one member, may sully that reputation in the eyes of the public, any application that these sportsmen' may in future make for inclusion in a Varsity team should be unhesitatingly refused."

—Anonymous.