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The Spike or Victoria University College Review September 1925

Superfluous Ink — (A Swan Song)

Superfluous Ink

(A Swan Song)

It was Whitcombe's Rubbish Week,
They say it is their Annual Sale,
But I know better.
There was one bargain—
One dozen bottles
Of Swan
Fountain Pen Ink
For two shillings
And ninepence halfpenny.
I was weak,
The temptation
Was too much for me;
I became the proud possessor
Of twelve bottles of Fountain Pen Ink.

It is four months now
Since I fell.
I have been busy all that time,
But I have not
Used more than one-third
Of a bottle. Therefore,
I have enough ink
To last me for three years.
That is a wonderful, wonderful thought.
I feel
That I can let my pen flow
Without a sense of extravagance.

I have an idea—
I shall honour the "Spike," they are,
I mean the editors,
Always
Ready for an ebullition
From the pen of any distinguished personage

The Question is,
What shall I write about?
Shall
I let them have my opinions
On Freedom of Thought,
Or University Reform?
Stop!
Let me think—
I must not put

page 13

Our Psychologist's nose
Out of joint.

I know,
I shall write a
Novel.
I must think of a title, preferably risque.
If it has a risque title
Everyone will read it.
I shall call it
"My Downfall,"
For if I had been strong
I would not
Have purchased this ink.

There must be a handsome hero,
I am
Very fond of Russian names,
I shall call him by a Russian name.
He will know all about motor-cars,
Morning and afternoon teas,
And he will
Jazz divinely.
I do not think that he need do much work
Except
With regard to the heroine.

There must be some beautiful women
Whose lashes
Sweep the floor.
(That is why they get married.
It is such a saving in brooms for
Their husbands.)
And I simply must have
An M.C.
Of course you know
That stands for
Master of Ceremonies.
You see, I shall begin with a ball,
And if people are not introduced
There will be no flirtations and
The Book
Would accordingly be a failure

I shall have a Chinaman,
Tee Pea,
He will own a Billiard Saloon.
His hair must be long
So that
He can flourish a pigtail;
I think that he will be the villain.

It would be nice
To have a young man from Rhodesia;
An unassuming, hard-working man;
He would be an athlete;
He would overcome Tee Pea,
Because

page 14

He would be a famous boxer;
He would also be a tennis champion.
Naturally he
Would run like a deer,
And swim like a fish.

I have had
A nightmare
About a vicious dragon,
It had a name and sharp teeth.
Its name was
Ekk Sekk.
It came close up to me,
Baring its fangs, and said
"Rugger!
He must play
Rugger;
Nothing else matters in Rhodesia."
I seized my
Twelve bottles of Fountain Pen Ink
And hurled them at
The dragon!

There was a Tremendous Explosion!
Alas, alas!
I shall never write a novel,
My precious ink
Is on my eiderdown and blankets,
The carpet,
Even
On the wallpaper and my best dressing-gown.
My novel
Is lost to posterity—
Oh, Posterity!
Thy name is indeed
Calamitous!

Wunhoonoez.