The Spike: or, Victoria College Review, September 1923

The Book of Tribulations, Called Exams

page 47

The Book of Tribulations, Called Exams.

1.	The burden that was set upon the tribe of the sons of Zeal, by the prophet of the Higher Learning.
2.	Thus saith the prophet Pah, the son of Pa; Unto yon, O men, I call; hear ye my words.
3.	Get wisdom: forget it not; and with all thy getting get understanding.
4.	For wisdom is better than rubies, and all the things that may be desired are not to be compared with it.
5.	Do this now, my sons (all the words of my mouth are righteous); receive my instructions and not silver, and knowledge rather than choice gold.
6.	And urged by the words of Pah, the young men and maids of that country did congregate in Silent Places; and there they strove mightily before the face of their teachers to perfect themselves in Wisdom and the understanding of all Mysteries.
7.	The burden and heat of the day, and the quiet hours of the night they devoted likewise to this cause.
8.	Yet, not forgetting the words of Pah, in the place of Wisdom and Understanding, they erected a molten calf, and worshipped it; the name of this god was Cram.
9.	And they said: This be your guide, O students, to lead ye out from the desert of Learning: unto it they made sacrifice of many books, since indeed of making many books there is no end.
10.	Yet much study is a weariness of the flesh, and few were they who kept their heart with all diligence in the way; many there were whose steps followed the path of the frivolous.
11.	So that as the last days drew nigh, when should fall the time of Terms, a snare was laid for them and many were taken; the least diligent did stumble and fall and none could raise them up.
12.	And still another trial befell the children of Zeal: after terms came the test of Degrees, whereby the World or a small part thereof might know whether the students were possessed indeed of any virtue.
13.	So before the appointed Day did they send a great store of silver, and of gold, and of paper that is worth less than gold, unto the house of the Regis. For only by so doing might they be permitted to stand up against the Examiners.
14.	Then sent the Regis an answer unto each of this multitude, with Signs, and Times, and a Word. And whoso forgetteth his Word is foredoomed to failure.
15.	Thereupon, equipped with the Word, and a Rule, and a Pea (for verily the Pen is mightier than the Sword in this warfare), on the day appointed they went up, strong in heart and valiant of purpose: to the end that they might vanquish for all time that old enemy, the Examiner.
16.	Woe to those poor fools! For that day is a day of trouble and distress, a day of waste and desolation, a day of darkness and of gloom; yea, of clouds and thick darkness on the minds of men.page 48
17.	The Papers by surprise overwhelmed them; the Cramming; of years is poured forth like water upon the dry sand of the desert, availing nothing.
18.	How is their knowledge confounded! and how is their trust in the golden calf surprised! The Papers go over the heads of the children of Zeal; they are overcome with the magnitude of the questions thereof.
19.	For a space therefore was there deep mourning and great tribulation among the children of the sons of Zeal; they rent in imagination their answers, and refused to be comforted.
20.	But wait ye upon Us, said the Examiners: comfort ye, be not too soon cast down. Is there not yet another day, the Day of Results, when it may be ye shall not be ashamed for all your doings wherein ye thought to have transgressed against Us?
21.	For then We will take away out of the midst of you all them that may rejoice in the pride of their Success; who knows whether ye may not join the happy throng who have not laboured in vain. Then shall ye be glad and rejoice for ever, for behold, ye shall have won your Degree.

R.

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