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Preliminary Notes for a Dissertation upon the Professor.

The output of literary works in New Zealand is daily increasing. Works upon the fauna and the flora of the country may everywhere be had; works upon the coal reefs, works upon the physiography of the country, works upon the Maori, works upon paper-bag cooking, theses upon volcanoes and atmospheric disturbances everywhere abound; a New Zealand literature, we are told, is actually springing up. Yet in all the authorities we have consulted, we have been unable to find one word concerning one of New Zealand's most interesting and original little animals. We refer, of course, to "the professor." We feel certain that this omission is due to carelessness upon the part of our writers and thinkers, and we append these hurried notes simply with a view to arousing a general interest in the subject. We hope that some abler pen than ours will take the matter up, and give to the waiting world a full thesis.

We do not propose to treat at length of the origin and early history of the professor. Suffice it to mention, in passing, that though not native to the Dominion, its migration hither was noticeable at an early date, and, indeed, new species of the genus yearly arrive, some for a permanent, others for only a temporary sojourn. Nor do we propose to discuss at greater length the characteristics of the more strongly differentiated types. Some two years ago watchful observers noted with interest the activity of a previously unknown species—the "Agitator," or "Millsicius." However, the soil of the country proved unfavourable, and after some months of eager life, this little stranger spread its wings, and betook itself to its native land. No more has been heard of it since.

But it is of the "professor academicus" that we wish to treat, and we may say that we have found the study of this fascinating little fellow to be most interesting. In the first place, attention must be drawn to its extraordinary, propagandist nature. It would seem that the professor is temperamentally unable to resist forcing its views page 30 upon anyone it may meet. No sooner does an idea occur to the professor, than straightway he must make it known to all with whom he comes in contact.

In fact, competent observers record the extraordinary fact that the professor even goes to the length of formulating its views upon any given subject, and committing these views to paper. To these views, when so formulated, the professor gives the infelicitous name of "lectures." This seems amazing enough, but there is more to record. No sooner have these "prelectiones" or "lectures" been finished, than the professor, with the propagandist instinct strong upon it, sets about to collect as many humans as possible into, what it terms, a "class." This class it proposes to imbue with its views. Not unnaturally the members of the class are often bored, and always sceptical. Nevertheless the professor resents their lack of interest in the most savage manner. It is even said the vindictive animal goes to the length of plucking particularly contumacious members, but, for our part, we can not believe that this horrible practice can really exist.

It is also regrettable to record that a very strongly developed gambling instinct is characteristic of the professor. So far, in fact, has it become the slave of this passion, that, in conjunction with all its kind, the professor arranges a kind of annual orgy of gambling—a form of lottery, to which it gives the specious name of "the pass examination." This in itself is bad enough, but there is worse to record. In order to extract the quintessence of enjoyment from its cruel sport, the professor conducts personally an earlier lottery, or preliminary canter, which it describes as "the terms examination." The winners in this preliminary test are then fattened up by the professor for the great day in the gala month of November. The idea, of course, is that poor performers in the preliminary canter will thus be weeded out. We hear, however, on good authority that the professor's expectations of a successful meeting not infrequently have been upset. Indeed, fortunate winners in the preliminary canters are often found to have come the most horrible "muckers" when the numbers have gone up for the final tests.

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The professor is by nature a timid animal, and seldom acts without the normal support of others of his kind. For instance, it is a common thing to hear of the regulations, rules or "regulae" promulgated by a professorial board (the name applied to a heart-to-heart talk between two or more professors), but one very seldom hears of a professor's issuing rules upon its own initiative.

A pleasant trait in the professor is its great industry. He is a very faithful animal, and has been known to answer to pet names—such, for instance, as "Tommy" or "Mack."