Other formats

    Adobe Portable Document Format file (facsimile images)   TEI XML file   ePub eBook file  


    mail icontwitter iconBlogspot iconrss icon

The Spike: or, Victoria College Review, June 1910

A Dilemma

page 29

A Dilemma.

A Dilemma

Dear Mr. Spike,—

I feel that it is my duty to sound a note of warning. A great trouble has come upon me; yet from the depths of my woe I would cry aloud, so that, perchance, my cry may reach unto the ears of those who might be tempted to follow in my footsteps.

Two years ago I came to this College an innocent and unsuspecting freshman. I entered with keenness and delight into all the activities of University life. For just over a year all went well with me. There seemed to lie open before me a College career of usefulness and pleasure highly satisfactory to my mind.

Then one fatal night in June I met the cause of all my woes. Now that I consider the matter in the light of sober reason, I am utterly at a loss to understand why I thought her beautiful. She is, as a matter of fact, long and lean. She has a thin upper lip, her complexion is bad, and her temper worse. Nevertheless, the following extract from my diary sufficiently indicates the extent of my infatuation:—

Monday, 1st June.—

She smiled. (Happiness.)

Tuesday, 2nd June.—

She would not look at me. (Misery.)

Thursday, 3rd June—

She frowned. (Hell.) To-morrow I buy a revolver.

Friday, 4th June.—

She smiled and spoke. (Heaven.)

Her lips are like the rubies,
Her cheeks are like the dawn,
Ta ra ra ra boom de ay.

Hip Hooray.

On June 30th a dance was held at College. Our dance was No. 10. I told her that I had sprained my foot, and suggested we should go outside. She consented. Her arm page 30 rested on me lightly; her fingers gently and unintentionally touched mine. My arm tingled to the shoulder. The blood rushed to and from my heart in great leaps and bounds.

"Is it not a fine night? I do think that the moon above the harbour is so beautiful." she remarked.

The originality and pathos of the words stirred my soul. I felt that I must tell her of my love. Down on my knees I fell. I seized her hand—But over the rest of my ignominy I shall draw a veil. Suffice it to say that, after getting red in the face, and saying that it was very sudden, she was kind enough to accept my offer.

Dear Mr. Spike, I was very happy for one week. I was happy for two weeks. I was indifferent for two weeks. I was unhappy for one week. I was very unhappy for two weeks. I have been utterly and inconsolately miserable ever since. I don't want her, but she will have me. I have done my best to hint in a mild way that my action on the night of the dance was due to a. temporary aberration. She will not understand. She assumes that I belong to her. I have to tell her everything that I do or say, or that people say to me. I am not permitted to enjoy myself like other young men. She will not let me smoke, or drink, or swear. I am obliged to go to Church twice on Sunday. Dear good Mr. Spike, you have had large experience in these matters, have pity upon me and advise me what to do.

I set out with the intention of warning. I have done nought but set before you my own lamentable ease. Yet I dare not conclude without sounding a note of warning to the young men of the College. Put on, I would say. O innocent freshman, the breastplate of cynicism and the shield of indifference. Carry, moreover, in thy right hand the sword of sarcasm, so that. Perchance, ye may escape her withering and baleful glances. But what avails it. Decend ye to the, uttermost epths, climb ye to the topmost peaks, take the wings of the wind and fly to the far secret and desert places of the earth, yet will she seek thee out and lay thee low.

Yours in deep affliction.

Jeremiah Snaptup.