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University Life.

A Candid Criticism.

"It's a gr-reat life, Hinissey!" said Dooley.

"What's that ye're talkin' about, Dooley?" said Mr. Hennessy. "Is it th' life iv a perlicemen ye're rayferrin' to, or th' life Sthipendhiary Maisthrate?"

"No," said Mr. Dooley, "it's none iv thim lives. They're gr-rand lives in their way, but they'er nothing' compared wid th' life of a Univerrsity shtudent. Begorra! it's a gr-reat life! There's me frind Hogan: his son Michael Aloysius goes t' th' Victhorian Collidge. 'Hogan' I sez t' him, 'Hogan, what does that son iv yours lurrn at th' collidge?' sez I. ' Och' Dooley" he sez, 'Och!' sez he, 'Michael Aloysius is runnin' over wid larnin'. What wid his Joorispoodence,' he says, 'an' his Algebratics, an wan thing an' another,' sez he, Michael 'll sune be burrstin' fr'm overwurrk,' he sez. But it's a gr-reat life' Hinnisy! There may be some iv thim what takes a little thrubble with their Algebractics or whatever they call it. But then there's some iv thim, maybe, that don't. There's me frind Hogan's son: Michael Aloyius the same. He gets up about nine iv th' mornin' after havin' what he calls a dayjurrney in bed; it consists iv some bacon an' eggs or beefstake an' onyons, wid plenty iv hot butthered toast and tea t' wash it downd wid. When he's got up he goes and takes a conshtintoosh'n'l, as he calls it, which manes that he walks down t' th' shtore at th' corner, an' talks t' th' gurrl behind th' counther about th' price iv bootlaces, an' whether it might rain t'-morrer if it's not line; an' then he comes wid an appetite like a fish, an' has some more hot buttered toast an' tea: 't' rayfresh me mem'ry,' he sez. Then he sets down wid a pile iv books in front iv him, that Hogan had t' buy f'r him. He sez he's goin' t' do some shtudy, an' ye musn't daysturrb him or ye might wake him up. He's all there agin wid another appetite when dinner comes along, an' afther his dinner he takes a seaesthra, as he calls it, which consist iv slapin' till it's time to have some afthernune tea, which he does, an' then goes down t' th' colledge t' do some pr-ractical wurrk, as he calls it, which page 67 manes some more afthernune tea I s'pose. In th' avenin' he goes along t' a commiddy meetin', or a sosh'l t' new shtudents, or a Ladies' Futball Club dance. Or else he has a daybate on wid Willis an' O'Leary whether Billy th' thurrd was th' gr-reatest adm'ral or wuz Hannubul? or shud ye give Home Rule t' Ireland, or shud ye rayfer it t' industrial arbitration; Och, it's a gr-reat life, Hinnissey!"

"But what about examinayshuns?" said Mr. Hennessy.

"Bejabers! Hinissy" said Mr. Dooley, "they have their M.A.'a an' their B.C.'s—that's Bach'l'r iv Science, Hinissy—an' their D.D.L.'s—which Mr. Joynt shpells wid only wan full-shtop—an' wan thing an' another, but that don't thrubble thim. Not a bit iv it. There's me frind Hogan's son, Michael Aloysisu. 'Hogan,' I sez, 'Hogan,' sez I, 'does y'r son Michael go in f'r examinayshuns?' 'Examinayshuns,' he sez, 'examinavshuns don't worry him,' sez he. 'Didn't he mnake a hundhred an' twinty, not out,' he sez, 'th' other day, f'r th' furrst fifteen,' sez he, 'playin' agin Melrose?' he sez. They don't thrubble wid examinashuns, Hinissy. Shure an' they have thim oft'n enough though! Furrst iv all there's th' turrms as they call it, but why they call it th' turrms I don't know, unless it's becuz it's held in Octhober. They never fail in their turrms exceptin' their Jurispoodence, f'r which th' book they sthudy costs twinty-two shillin's nicely bound in red wid th' writer's name in gold latthers on th' back which is Salmon'. Then there's what they call th' Home examinayshun, which is in November in Bellamy's wid cush'n'd seats t' sit' on. They always fail in thim Home exams.., or get furrst-class honours wid speshul menshun, An' th' list iv thim what passed comes out in Th' Spoike an' they have a cappin' carrinval an' a supper an' dancin' after it's all over. An' as long as they get th' dancin' an' th' supper t' wind up ev'rything wid they don't care what happens. Begorra! It's a gr-reat life!"

"But don't th' Perfessers have t' wurrk, Dooley," said Mr. Hennessy.

"Bedad, Hinissy, an' they have a fine time too. Th' only thing is that they don't have t' sit f'r examinayshuns, which is a mighty good thing f'r th' Perfessers."