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The Pamphlet Collection of Sir Robert Stout: Volume 82

Moralizing, Philosophizing and Sympathizing

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Moralizing Philosophizing and Sympathizing

Whitcombe and Tombs, Limited Printers Christchurch :

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Moralizing, Philosophizing and Sympathizing.


The following prose and verse is a translation from the Japanese language, and is dedicated to the Government and Goat Inspectors of all the islands of that great and enlightened Empire. The most amusing portion of the original matter is that of the Goat Act of 1085—printed on rice paper, eight hundred years ago, by the authority of the Japanese Government.

Notwithstanding the value and durability of the paper for such purposes, we think the meanest intellect will not fail to understand how much cruel persecution was evinced towards unfortunate goat farmers eight centuries ago; and, we think, we may ask ourselves the question, as to whether we are more advanced in civilization now than they were then, even in this our year of grace—One thousand eight hundred and eighty-five?

In the present age, forsooth, the Japanese legislation is of such an extraordinary kind, that their own page 4 countrymen do not understand it; therefore, we may conceive how puzzled Englishmen are to unravel the hidden and intricate meaning of their myriads of Acts and Clauses in each Act.

The original language would seem to treat of Goats, but Sheep is more likely to accord with English ideas; therefore, we have endeavoured to expound it in a general sense accordingly.

In the Japanese Empire the statutes are but little changed since olden times, and they still compel all graziers to afford the Goat 'Spectors, ingress, egress, and regress; but as their law punishes the innocent and the guilty both alike, the farmers have discontinued nursing their enemies with the choicest food, or giving them aqua fortis to quench their thirst, or even a feather bed whereon to rest their weary, minute brains, after the very great fatigues of the day. Neither will they allow their horses, asses, or mules, any grass, excepting that which may have been trampled upon when ingression, egression, and regression takes place; so that whenever Japanese just sympathy is lawfully aroused to take such things seriously to heart, it is then the manly, womanly, and childrenly innocent voices join together in singing their ancient following lays, which are none other than their country's songs of mutual love for equity and reformation.

page 5

Japanese Morality.

Bright politicians in Japan
Doubt Acts which they themselves have named,
So stupid is their every man,
They cannot tell why such were framed !
Man doth create such senseless things,
Nor writes he plainly to the point;
And such is what our moral sings,
One perfect whole without a Joint.
Thou gentle Fisherman abide
With friends so clean, pray do not pass,
But angle with us side by side,
This holiday with scab, alas !
Wise lawyers know not long-tailed sheep,
Tho' wild when gentle shepherds see
Them climb high rocks and mounts to peep
Down on the Spectors in their spree.
Such men trudge not o'er rugged hills,
Nor know they aught of sheepish wiles,
'Tween cliffs which foster sparkling rills,
Each distant span seem like some miles.
Write laws of goats in history,
To aid our wondrous governed plan;
To lawyers, O what mystery !
E'en so to minds they strive to scan.
How oft we sing to one fair child,
Whose eyes are soft and chaste and bright,
With innocence so sweet and mild,
She questions if the law is right?
Or all Goat Spectors whose strong aid,
Slave for the law, are made so blind;
To unjust charges they have made,
For freedom of some foreign kind;
page 6 Our small estates pay taxes great,
To feed fat Spectors night and day,
And poor men find out when too late,
They've naught but coppers left to pay.
We grudge men half and would not give
Those dark Goat Spectors so much bread—
Would make them live like Chinchans live,
And muster wild goats in their stead.
Heed us, ye Japanese ! to please,
And sing not songs of drollery,
But smile to teach, nor sing to tease,
With stanzas of tom-foolery;
Question no more when sneaking round
About that straying Billy Goat,
Nor o'er the S brand, never found
On Rabbits, Ferrets, nor the Stoat.
Are not Goats fed upon reserve,
And within sight not many miles?
We blush for those that do deserve
To slave in driving Japan piles.
Fie Japanese, to set your trap
To catch a gentle lamb or sheep,
If either take one wink or nap
To rest with Nature's balmy sleep.
There's not a Spectre in the land
Can rouse a scabby flock to joy
O'er any known dull slothful hand
That's naught save one light empty toy.
Bah ! ingress—egress—regress—law,
To dance upon Tom Tiddler's ground;
The time's at hand our prophet saw,
With carcasses and Vultures round !
Old men do sing sweet liberty,
And youth of governed-vicious Acts
(The child of eccentricity)
Grave reasons for sound, truthful facts.

page 7

Japanese Philosophy

Ho, Shakespeare's muse ! Sing sons of earth,
And that "the world is but a stage"
Where there's of common sense great dearth,
In this enlightened, governed age.
Bah ! we to sing of blemished laws,
Just praise flow not from any mouth,
When scanning Acts from clause to clause
On Japan Isles, or north or south.
Bright Japanese have eyes to see,
And how and when and where they know
As well as Spectres on the sea,
So free to strike a doubtful blow;
"Bah, bah," Lord Brougham loudly cried,
"Receive my dying sympathyl
O'er statutes that for years defied
Law-courts sweet British equity;
Bah ! myriad Acts, sweep all away,
With countless clauses, burn the whole."
Such were the sage's words we say,
Truths live with greatness of the soul.
Construct wise laws, so simplified
That those who run may clearly read,
E'en centuries such wiles defied
Good, loyal hearts, so warm to plead.

page 8

Japanese Sympathy.

Ba-a ! gentle shepherds, see and hear,
Accept our bleating for your talk,
Whilst ba-a-ing Japanese so clear
We scarcely crawl, or limp, or stalk;
Ba-a, ba-a, we cry, o'er little wool,
For we do suffer Sheepish pain :
With insects our poor backs were full,
So say each swearing Shepherd-swain,
What cruel scab and endless dip;
Man's empty pockets were foretold
By those who've felt the scourging whip,
Yet Banks are strong and men are bold.
Ba-a songs aloud in present tense
Let Lawyers and Law-makers sing
In moods so gay, nor common sense,
O'er Acts so lame their children cling;
With deeds sincere and naught amiss,
And gold, insects called scab were bought;
We count not lack of knowledge bliss,
Nor retrospective honest thought.
Ba-a, Lambs so sore to understand,
Bleat, cry aloud, ye flocks of sheep,
O'er vicious laws on freehold land;
Oh, dip no more, nor oft nor deep !
But go and dip the grisly bear
With liquor hot and heart so cold,
In lieu of sheep to raise more scare,
Nor mercy's shown to young or old;
Ba-a not in plaintive cries so vain,
As we must feel soever clean,
page 9 To set us free from governed pain,
Like other flocks to please our Queen.
O temper heat to all shorn lambs,
Your Brimstone smells so horrid strong,
More fit to dress wild robust rams
With lime to harmonize in song.
Ba-a, sheep ! bark, dogs ! while lads do cheer,
O'er rubs with over-governed fuss,
With fortunes made this cursive year;
You prompt tame sheep to bawl out thus.
"Ba-a, coarse-woolled, old Amuri sheep,
With Scotia's lambs, we dare to say,
Bleat loudly when our pet-lambs weep,
And fools vent spleen ingloriously."
Ba-a, ba-a, we're all such timid things
When Smart Police joys o'er the sport.
To sing when one fell insect stings—
His open song resounds in Court.
Ba-a we through mirth, or lose the fun,
To see our little Lambkins play,
With rubs well-known they skip and run,
As well as Shepherd swains so gay.
Ba-a loud and long on yonder hills,
When guided by some friendly hand,
Lest fierce Goat 'Spectors cram down pills,
So quickly, sheep don't understand.
Ba-a, Japanese, and spend much force,
Make ewes and lambs now die or run;
How well we know you can coerce,
And punish poor men for your fun.
Ba-a, save your Brimstone and hot lime,
Nor drive, nor dip goats any more.
Look on, reflect o'er deeds sublime,
And feel our shins and bones so poor.
Ba-a ye, and show no mercy here;
See stones revolve to sharpen knives—
page 10 With every conscience still and clear—
Then take our sheepish, painful lives.
Ba-a we to crave you spare each lamb,
Then act out deeds with governed knife,
Then salt down skinny legs lor ham;
The time is come to yield up life.
Ba-a districts clean, when wise men say :
"That Darwin's wand streched o'er the mounts
And melted scabby Goats away,
Some miles from cliffs and sparkling founts.
Ba-a o'er this earth we cannot waste,
Frail creatures fall and soon decay,
And Darwin's science moves in haste,
Without a moment to delay.
Ba-a, strength of wind, mysterious blast,
To purify each hill and dale,
With Darwin's text evinced at last,
To tell its wondrous governed tale.
Ba-a now, another race may glee,
And bound like 'Spectors o'er each rock;
And in this year of grace are we,
To look on a romantic flock.
Ba-a we all o'er fair Japan Isles,
Now Darwin's creed is made so plain
On yonder Cliffs and hills for Miles,
Where modern goats skip free from pain.

page 11


Come, ye 'Spectors, now we invite
Your hungry shadows to our pot;
Take now your fill, good appetite,
And burst thick skins with goat's flesh hot.
Goats ba-a no more, boiled down so clean,
The' their fine scabby flavour's gone,
And Japan flesh is always lean,
Yet thick, rich flavour will atone !
Poor Japan grazier sing "Hey-day !"
To foster miles of belies run,
And list to quartettes blithe and gay,
When up in governed Wellington.
Their pay is great and naught to do;
Our pockets bare, with gold all gone
To decorate the Emp'ror's shoe—
Oh ! think o'er Goats when left alone.
Ba-a, ba-a Goat Acts with hazy rules,
To fit frank men as well as knaves;
In mingling those with arrant fools,
To suffer like poor Negro Slaves.
Ho, Chums, to brave each rugged hill,
And bawl aloud to 'Spectors "bah !"
O'er bolus law our modern pill,
Which operates on Opawa.
Brave Chums bah out "so vile the ban."
Sing ingress "winds its law along,"
Sing whilst egressing from Japan,
Sing, sing, outside regressions throng !


(Or Incomprehensible). Tokio, Japan, 1085.