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The Pamphlet Collection of Sir Robert Stout: Volume 80a

Thankfulness of King

Thankfulness of King.

Edward, King of Great Britain and New Zealand.

Whereas our good son hath escaped the perils and importunities of his voyage, fulfilling thereby a great Imperial duty know ye all men this:

O Yes! O Yes! O Yes!

In the matter of the Colony of New Zealand, and of all the lands thereby—Forasmuch as it hath appeared to His Royal Highness our good son George that in the said colony is sold, in earthenware pots at a florin, a half-crown, and three and sixpence per pot, the best brands of patriotism and jingoistic slush, for the good and improvement of our cause, We have been pleased to appoint—

Richard John, surnamed Meself, surnamed Digger Dick, to have and to hold, to be and to continue to be, until a general election shall him put out, Emperor of all the Zealandias and of the lands thereby, and generalissimo of the army thereof, and of all the commandants of the forces. His Arms (in leather): A spade buried; his pedigree buried; his past buried. Supporters: Right supporter, a private secretary, bored ad mortem; left supporter, an auditor-general, defunct. Crest: Trimmed and polished. Motto: "Meself."

In the matter of the Walter Street Slum (O yes! O yes! O yes!)—Thomas Mason Wilford to be elected a King's, or in default a City, Councillor. His motto (in brass): " Nothing venture, nothing win."

In the matter of the Wellington Mayoralty—John Guthrie Wood Aitken, to be reduced from the knighthood whereto he was inadvertently raised, for that he spake treasonous words from the "Times" verandah what night he was elected, and to trap again. His motto (in wood): "Its dogged as does it." His crest (or figurehead) to be: Shaved in approved style. His arms: "A rat's head erased, and charged argent 3d." Supporters: "A page, upright," bearing Willis street burden; a small boy, bearing a rat."

Thomas Kennedy Macdonald, for that he caught the eye of the Royal party, to be suppressed. His motto: "Alone I done it!"

The Hon. Colonel John Holmes, our good servant, for that he was cruelly mistreated by an advance agent, one Ranfurly, to be recouped his expenses from the public purse, and to be protected from further execution of the drudgery of a Commissioner.

In the matter of Otago, and of Southland moreover, G. L. Denniston, for his public-spirited patriotism, to be a Knight Companion of the Order of the Bath-towel, and Mayor of Dunedin whatever.

His Majesty also would presume to suggest to the Emperor of the Zealandias that the following loyal and faithful servants be raised to orders of distinction in his realm:—Hall-Johnny (who appeared a most worthy butler), Charles Mills (an honest and subservient personage), Thomas Duncan (of a retiring disposition and of no appearance, but obedient and carrying out his orders with certainty), James Carroll (obedient and fat), W. C. Walker (obedient), and others.

Save the King!

An' Meself.