Salient Notes

The moment the machine arrived, I knew we had made a bad choice. They don't call it a Compugraphic 4600 for nothing-this machine, embodying all the latest developments of computer technology, has a mind. Right from the beginning, the beast's powers were obvious. It started to bend the actions, words and indeed the very thoughts of all it came in contact with towards it's evil aim of consolidating it's position of power, and then spreading it's tentacles throughout the university system until it controlled the minds of everyone in the country.

The first inkling we had of this was when Lorraine Wilson began calling the machine Sir, and giving it little bowls of milk and cookies. At first we thought this was just another product of Lorraine's unhinged mind, but when I saw Geoff Adams (that's right. Boring old Geoff) having an earnest conversation with the machine, I became concerned. Secreting myself behind a wall hanging, I watched him. Apparently in a trance, Geoff walked over to the old typesetting machine (significantly an IBM) drew a revolver and shot it three times through the golf ball.

I've been to all the right movies and I knew just what was going on. I rushed to tell Peter. When I found him, I was a bit surprised to see the electrodes leading from his head to the machine, but decided to make no comment. The moment I told him my story the machine started to buzz and whirr, and Peter marched towards me, gnashing his teeth like an emanciated armadillo. I rushed off in search of help.

"Fergus Barrowman" I cried—but he was busily drawing portraits of the machine, and didn't want to be disturbed. I glanced over his shoulder, and saw they bore the inscription "to Sir, with love and kisses, Fergic." Everyone in the office was beginning to look distinctly belligerent by this stage. Stephen A'Court had armed himself with a Compugraphic handbook, and even Virginia Adams had left off dusting the machine to rattle her key ring at me angrily. Andrews Beach and Ross are almost on me now. The stench of wet wool is nearly overpowering...

I would like to apologise for the ridiculous nature of this weeks Salient notes. The person who wrote them is obviously a nutter. Actually the machine is a lovely thing. Jessica Wilson won't hear a thing said against it, and Jonathon Taylor thinks it is gorgeous. Graeme Robertson says he has never been as happy as he is now that the machine is here, and as for Mark Wilson, he can develop my, I mean it's, paper any time he wants to. So there.

Salient was edited by Peter Beach, but he could never have done it without the machine. The publishers, VUWSA, are also very impressed by the attractive looking copy. Wanganui Printers Ltd, who print the paper have even offered us discount rates because our machine is so nice.