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A Fowl Idea

Perchance one day you discovered your antipodean paradise was none other than Soames Island. Would you curse your luck and demand immediate rescue by a Japanese fishing boat and then make a fortune with that "book which tells all", to be entitled "Muldoon - The inside story - A study in cannibilism." Consider these choices carefully for the fate of Soames Island hangs in the balance.

Of olden times this pearl in the bosom of our harbour has been the frontier post of our Pastoral Empire. Many is the noxious beastie which has been foiled from entering Godzone by this outpost. But alas, the pioneering days are over. Soames Island must go forwards, here a few proposals......

It seems that our mayor has got bright ideas. A plague upon his liberalism. Yet it is no wonder, poor man, having such a brigade of mincing nannies as Councillors, that he has turned to gambling.

Apparently he went beyond the call of duty on his recent American tour. Inevitably he fell in with a bad crowd and this, combined with a bad run or cards, drove him into an unfortunate association with one Giorgo Gamberelli. On returning home, the up-shot of all that was that he was forced to make the Council an offer they couldn't refuse: one-way tickets to Vegas with the Town Hall Fund for spending money. Naturally they gave the go-ahead for yet another Fowler Foible - the Los Somas Casino. Will the Mayor really forgo a possible Knighthood to become a godfather?

Outraged that Fowler has once again plotted to corrupt the people, our very own Delphic Oracle (otherwise known as the Evening Post editorial) has proclaimed that Soames Island is Noman's land. But who is this Noman? Any fool knows that Noman is an island, so what the hell did Soames think he was doing? Oracles pride themselves on being confusing even at the best of times, but if Soames isn't an island, who is? Noman?

The Oracle has been a little het-up lately crusading on behalf of Noman; he being the only God-fearing citizen in the land, the rest having been turned into [unclear: dru] crazed murderers or solo mothers. Will [unclear: s][unclear: mes] ever tolerate Noman on his island?

Rob Muldoon is a man who knows he has a right to all things in this land. But then we all know that Rob's been feeling unloved and unappreciated lately. Maybe he's lost his titanic touch and then there are those stories about him skipping [unclear: th] country and joining the World Bank.

But ponder a moment.... What is a bank to he who hath dined at Bellamy's and gazed upon the fair isles? What would Napoleon have done if 'ere he was Elba people questioned his committment to free enterprise? Believe you me it won't be loll before Rob and his bosom pal Kiwi keith are plotting their Waterloo right in the very heart of Wellington. Before you can say [unclear: G rge] Chapman, Soames Island will have ceded the country with Rob Ceaser, tyrannical accountant at the helm ad infinitum, and Kiwi Keith as G.G.G.G (Good Guy Governer General). And Rob will say, 'I came, I saw, I grew lillies', and Keith will say. "They could never throw eggs this far. Will Rob ask the Shah to stay when the [unclear: li]llies bloom?

However, a Lilly Republic is not everyone's idea of a paradise. God only knows we have to pay to live in Godzone - it must follow that Soames could only be a [unclear: paradis] - Elysian Fields, Kiwi Capri and all that. [unclear: all] Government might decide one day that all the rest of the world was Soames Island to be known in future as Overseas Island (with a capital O), where in the best tradition of the Welfare State culture would be made compulsory for all. Mind you, it would be no mean feat to pack several thousand years of civilization on to Soames Island, and still keep it afloat. Nevertheless, some bliss must be left to the hereafter.

Maybe if Soames Island was given a [unclear: Gr] name Bob Jones would buy it. At least being off the mainland would shut him up a bit, may be it would be a good site for the 1984 Olympic Games - just the right size for the number of countries which will, by then, be prepared to play sport in New Zealand. [unclear: D mmit], the thing is an eyesore and a navigational hazard. Would anyone who knows the whereabouts of Soames please tell him to claim his island before Michael builds a Town hall opera house casino in Rob's lilly garden which really belongs to Bob.

Richard Riddiford.