Merv in Blunderland

Do not be deceived by his pretty face. Our Minister of Education has a mind! Rattling about in those fertile acres of cerebral cortex is a veritable Pandora's Box of ideas on how to reduce spending in Education. One of these ideas was released on an unsuspecting public last week.

Perhaps unsurprisingly, it was an idea of pre-Cambrian simplicity. Starting at the beginning of next year, every school pupil in New Zealand will be required to nominate a "classless day". The chosen day will be designated by an appropriately coloured sticker the pupil will wear plastered to the bridge of his/her nose. Exemptions will be allowed for those students who can prove to the Minister's satisfaction that the course they are doing is essential for their future career. A nod's as good as a wink to an english student, and english rolls are expected to drop drastically, accompanied by a commensurate increase in students taking technical drawing.

The Minister explained that this could lead to a saving of many thousands of dollars, as schools would no longer have to buy so many copies of the Merchant of Venice. One interesting feature of the scheme, is that New Plymouth Boys High is exempt from the plan. Instead it will be converted into a re-education centre for students who fail to display their stickers. These people will be forced into the school cricket team, and once they have attained the rank of captain they will be released on society as worthwhile rehabilitated citizens. The Prime Minister is thought to be extremely interested in this aspect as a potential source of future Ministers.

There was some opposition to the scheme from within the National Party. New Kid in town John Falloon was concerned about the nomenclature. "Classless days" rather stuck in his craw. "Sounds a bit bolshie, doesn't it?" He was eventually convinced that it didn't represent an attack on free enterprise, and the party ranks closed to present a united front against the Labour Party.

The Labour members maintained a spirited attack, saying that the plan was an unwieldy attack on everyone's basic right to an education. Their alternative was a school rationing system, where students would be allowed only a limited amount of learning every day.

Actually, both plans are equally silly, but don't worry. Merv's lots more ideas.

Andrew Beach.