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Alice in Wonderland

Everyone knows who Mervyn Wellington is. He's the dynamic and intellectual Minister of the Crown who is entrusted with that vital portfolio, Education. But what isn't so widely known is the long, uphill climb it has been for Mery to reach, in the face of all adversity, this exalted position. The story, a tale of human suffering and endurance, will now be unfolded in full.

It begins many years ago when an up and coming army corporal was on guard duty at Parliament. Nicknamed "Scarface" by his colleagues, he was nevertheless a warm and caring person, and in his more mellow moods he saw himself becoming a famous accountant. On one rainy July morning, this chubby little corporal saw, lying on the steps of Parliament, a tiny bundle. Upon investigating further, he found it was a wee baby, clad in swaddling gowns, crying fitfully, and wearing a huge pair of glasses.

Moved by the plight of this unfortunate innocent, Rob (for such was the kind-hearted Corporals name), picked the babe up and took him inside leaving him in a little closet behing the Speaker's office. Fed from scraps from Bellamys, little Mery grew and grew, and soon he was a familiar sight around Parliament, trotting behind his Uncle Rob like an affectionate but gangly lap dog.

But it was about this time that a little black cloud hove to on the horizon of little Merys happy life. Some unkind person noticed Merys startling resemblence to Neville Purvis, and some even said that he Was Neville Purvis. Tearfully, little Mery went to see Uncle Rob, now a backbencher in Parliament. Rob chuckled affectionately, and said that perhaps what Mery needed was a change of environment. Mery said he would like to go to university, and Rob said yes, laughing hysterically.

Bewildered but grateful, Mery packed his lunch into his tucker box, grabbed his old school satchel, and set off for university, ringing his bicycle bell while his little boxer-shorts clad legs pedalled for all they were worth. But Mery found he didn't like university very much either. Mery had been expecting to be taught how to read, write and do elementary sums, but to his surprise he Was told a whole lot of liberal nonsense, which would be of no benefit to him in any job. When he got home that night he asked Rob what he should do about this.

Rob agreed that all forms of intellectualism should be stamped out, but explained that if you want to beat the system you have to join the system. Rob advised Mery to stick it out, and then become a teacher. Somewhat enheartened, Mery returned to university, and stuck it out for three long years. He developed a name for being something of a loner, restricting his student activities to writing on toilet walls "Rob is God".

When he left University, with his BA clasped under his arm (and later stuck on his wall) Mery made a promise to himself to try and eradicate everything about university that had been unpleasant to him. After a [unclear: wirlwind] tour of Training College, little Mery was released upon the school system, where he carved a happy niche for himself, promoting technical training and gleefully sabotaging the English Department. As you can imagine little Mery was quite upset when, out of a clear blue sky, a letter arrived telling him he was no longer a teacher.

Shaking and whimpering with anguish, he rushed home to his uncle Rob. "Have a nice day at school?" asked Rob. Twisting his school cap in anguish and apolegetically licking Robs toes, little Mery explained his plight. "There, there" said Rob. "I can get you a job in a place more suited to your abilities, where you can do even more damage." The next day, Mery found himself an MP. sitting in the chamber with the ring in his nose newly polished and gleaming in the light.

For the next few years, Mery was in seventh heaven, and his guileless pliability made him a firm favourite with his more ambititous colleagues. And then one day, Rob called Mery into his office. "Mery, I have an important mission that needs doing. I need someone who will fearlessly follow my lead. I need someone who will unthinkingly say yes to everything I say. Will you do it?" "Yes" said Mery.

Although a few of his critics call him unkind names like "Doormat" and "Weather-vane", Mery is happy in his job, and in these troubled times, job satisfaction is so important. Rob, too is happy with his new Minister, and The a is knitting him a new muffler for Christmas. Lucky little Mery.

Andrew Beach.