Bottom of the Week

Deutschey tricks

A week ago, after we had wooed a German Industrialist Mission to sojourn a while on these tranquil isles in the hope of forgoing a match of mutual advantage, a pernicious plot came to light.

It went thus.......Being a nippy and severe winter in Northern Europe, there was a predictable exodus of spies and other such com-temptable creatures from West Germany. New Zealand, never one to lag in wordly machinations, soon found itself sheltering one of these base persons who has come down from the cold.

Rotary, ever the paragon of rectitude in our nation have inadvertently exposed this false pretender. It seems that one of their German exchange students was found to be engaged in a systematic plot to corrupt youth and undermine Christian virtue. In compromised circumstances she was ordered to leave the country; but not before Rotary routinely scrutinized her love letters. These letters revealed her to be an informer for the East Germans whose reports it were that prematurely unmasked the secret agreement between the German Mission and the NZ government in support of Dominion Breweries.

The destructive and detrimental NZ "environment groups" and other spoil sports may now have enough emotional propaganda to jeopardize or even curtail the proposed mutual project. This would be a grave blow for DEBACLO (Domionion et Breweries Allemand Capitalist Leeching Organisation.) offers our depressed economy a much needed boost in spirits. DEBACLO is to manufacture a new car, the Steinwagon, a vehicle that will run on beer. Dominion Breweries always thirsty for new draughts were quick to realise the potential for such a scheme. This was compounded by a rare offer from the Germans to stage next years Munich Beer Festival in Taumaranui.

The crucial process in the production of the Steinwagon is the vapourisation of the beer which demands it to be heated to tempratures of up to 1000k- a process requiring considerable amounts of power. To this end the ever resourceful Germans have devised a brilliant plan.

The scheme depends upon the melting of the Franz Joseph glacier, (there are suspicions that this may be a deperate attempt to destroy the last relic of the Austro-Hungarian empire). The water released will be sufficient to power a large dam for several years. An added bonus will be that this will eventually allow construction of an autobahn up the valley to give direct access for tourists to the main device.

The difficulty of course is how to melt the glacier? Providentially large beech forests surrounding the area will serve just this purpose. By logging a mere million acres or two there will be sufficient timber to fuel a furnace placed on the glacier to melt it.

This input of energy will then power the new, outcast electroid process, a means of mining coal whereby thunderbolts are discharged underground blowing the coal onto the surrounding countryside where it is retrieved by trucks. This coal will then feed the fire to heat the beer to power the Stienwagon. Rather complicated isn't it, but the Germans, never erring from fortitude and precision, are confident that it can be done.

Of course according to demand there might be surplus power, and to ensure there is no wastage the Gemans plan to construct a Trans Oceanic cable from Westport to Hamburg to take the residue power. In return they promise to build several Nuclear powerplants to insure NZ's future supply.

If DEBACLO does not provide sufficient impetus to revitalise our ailing economy, the Germans, out of their boundless beneficiency have offered to buy the whole South Island. A minor sacrifice on our part and it would provide a most suitable area for the transporting of the Baader Meinhoff Terrorists and other malcontents. There, they could be usefully employed on the DEBACLO project. One wonders whether the Japanese might be interested in the North Island.

Richard Riddiford and Lewis Holden