Salient Notes

Who is this tangled sweaty Spanish man creaking sideways into the Salient office? Who is this eccentric 16th century maniac drawing a broadsword and threatening Lisa Sacksen with Islamic justice? Who is this silly person with an eye patch striking Jonathan Scott an unprovoked blow to the lower lip and teeth?

"Avast ya Swabs Mizzen the Mainsaii Main Sail and Splice the Jib this is Yer New Captain Speaking, Beach be NY Name Hard—a—Star Board and Hold 'ER there Yer Poor Excuse for a Powder Puff..... By Crikey Throw that Man to the Sharks!!!!!!"

"Anything I can do?" inquires a baffled Lorraine Wilson.

"Do???!!:%$**%%!!!! by Fuck and by Neptune Yer can Hoist the Flag and Lower the Topsail that's what Ya can can DC, Ship the Anchor, Fire the Boom and Prepare to Shove off!!!!!"

"Charmed I'm sure" says Kathleen Gallagher, "Why don't you take take that stupid parrot off your shoulder and stop acting the fool?"

Captain Beach starts, there is a flash of steel and two Kathleens.

"Hard a Port Ya Soggy Wretch. Hard—a—Port!!!"

"The new editor has a way with people" observes Sean Power.

"What the hell does port mean?" inquires a moderately terrified Lamorn a Rogers, fully determined to comply with the Captains wishes in every small detail.

"Its a fortified wine, usually consumed after dinner" Virginia Adams informs her. "Ah" says Kris Molloy, "What's a boom then?"

"A Harvey Wall banger with an extra nip of spirits?" gueses Stephen A'Court. "Exactly my boy" says Virginia." But what does it mean to splice something?"

"That's what the Captain just did to Kathleen?" asks Leonie Morris. "No, sorry" replies Virginia. "To splice is to add a piece of lemon."

"Oh" says Peter Bradstock. "Well quick, tell me what a jib's got in it, and I'll splice one for Watch the Tele, I'm Pulling the

"Yes, that might stop him coughing and spiting on the light table for a while." says Kathyrine Fleming.

A long shadow falls across the floor. Wjo is this gaunt sooty young lad standing in the doorway? Who is this thin newly engaged twit bristling with menace in the foc'sle pulling his fly buttons off and flicking them at Richard Riddiford?

"Ahoy Beach Yer Barnacle Covered Old Bag Abandon Ship before I make Yer Balls Sing to me Cutlass Yer Bleedning Bushwacker!!!!"

"Wilson!!!! Toast me Tits and Sell 'Em for take a ways its you Ya Tired Old Bitch. Yer Era's Shot me Poor Old Grandad, I'd Piss off Home and Watch the Tele, T'm Pulling the Oars here now."

"Take that silly owl off yer shoulder Simon" sighs Chris Heffor.

"Make me Technical Editor Mate," pleads the figure, "I've got a Flipping Family to Feed, Nzusa's given me the Boot, I'm Bleeding Ragged, take me under Yer Filty Wing me Old Rapist, I'm Flipping Desperate."

A steamy tear fell from his eye.

"Christ," mumbled the Captain, blowing his nose on James Morgan's layout page, visibly moved. "Make the old prick a double mainsail someone, and call [unclear: 'im]Mr First Mate from now on.

And that's how it happened. History never changes it just winces. Holy snakes and slave-ships, it's sickening.

This particular voyage into the Sargasso Sea of journalism was launched by the new Captain, Peter Ramos Cotez 'sea legs' Beach, made seaworthy by Wanganui Shipyards Ltd, Drews Harbour, Wanganui 150 nautical miles from Wellington - or 200 as the parrot flies - and rigged and outfitted with several brace of new cannon by the Victoria Onnassis University of Wellington Shipping Company, Pirate Fleet division, Union Building. Now fuck off before I cut yer in two yer lubbers.