What to do in the Exam

Well, all these things can help you pass the time, but eventually, on a certain day, most of you will have to face the actual task of passing the exam. If you have followed this article and used its approach to replace the University system's conditioning you'll turn up to the exam healthy, happy, well-adjusted, well-rested, sun-tanned, and in complete ignorance about the subject on which you are about to be examined.

Of all these conditions, only the last is completely invisible, providing you play your part well. Thus the very fact of your vital vigorous appearance will severely upset most of the other candidates (your Competition) all of whom will be white enough to run for South African Prime Minister, and the examiners (your opposition).

Farting loudly as you walk into the room (casually, 20 minutes late) is a must. It probably won't affect anyone else but it'll make you feel really good and probably enrage the examiners. When you've sat down (loudly) look at the paper for a minute and then laugh loudly, in the manner of supreme confidence. Then apologise loudly.

By this time all eyes in the room will be riveted on you. Pull out your pen, hold it up to the light, put it down on the table and roll your sleeves up. Then write like blazes, trying to keep it relevant, but concentrating more on speed. Use only the middle four lines of each page until you've finished and then call loudly for a second answer book. Use this in the same way and then tall for a third. By this time most of the room will be terrified and those who aren't will have completely forgotten the answers they have prepared for the questions.

Make sure you have picked a seat in the full sun by a window, and when you've got half way through the third book, tell the examiners it's disturbing you and ask if you can move. This will certainly upset a considerable number of people, especially the closet Casaubons who have been used to the silence of the library, and particularly the others in the room sitting in the full sun, who will immediately find it an impossible distraction and waste time toying with the idea of asking if they can move too.

Finally, don't forget that you are permitted to eat in the exams. Griffins' Krispies are usually the best for this although something like a multi-layered cream sponge will have the quieter effect of driving the people around you wild with desire. If you feel the need to cheat (if you've done everything I've suggested you probably won't) it's worth remembering that half a dozen Bycroft Crispbreads can take about a quarto page of notes. And of course if the situation gets sticky you can eat the evidence with a great deal of satisfaction, and a great deal of noise.

When you've finished eating, burp loudly and then apologise, explaining that you still haven't fully recovered from last night's pre-exam party. This will probably be the last straw, and your triumph will be complete.

When the results are posted there should be an announcement to the effect that the class' performance was disappointing, but the marks will have been upgraded (principally because the Department can't afford to admit that their exam conditioning didn't work) and of course you'll be up there in the A's somewhere. Then you can go back to the beach with the added satisfaction of having beaten the system.

Jonathan Scott