How to Get an Aegrotat

This sort of thing is not at all uncommon. If you don't feel confident of such luck as Bruce, you can do things yourself to hurry the process along, jumping off a 300 foot cliff is probably the surest possible way of getting an aegrotat, but it has rather tricky side effects and is not recommended for the inexperienced; first year students for instance. A much easier way is to just get up tomorrow morning, go out into your back garden (make sure it's a sunny day), and stick your foot under the motor mower. This must be done within hours of the exam however, because you don't actually write with your foot (if you do you shouldn't be reading this article). Loss of blood will need to be your main grounds of argument.

For those of you who object to outdoor work, the kitchen offers a thousand opportunities for seizing the aegrotat. One method that is child's play requires nothing more in the was of raw materials than one onion. Take this common vegetable in your writing hand (do it on a day you're making curry or some other dish that requires onions), take a sharp knife and slash through both tendons and as much of the wrist as possible, leaving the onion intact. Then call a doctor (you can save time by calling him/her before you actually do it).

I have said this is just one of the simplest kitchen methods; the more ambitious will get excellent results by using a vitamizer instead of a knife, or sticking their head in an oven (only electric ones will do now since the introduction of Natural Gas) or an automatic dishwasher. The important thing is Be Postive, Don't Chicken Out at the Last Moment, and Make Sure you Get your Timing Right. Good luck.

One of the best and most popular ways of getting away from it all is a day at the beach; preferably with a group of irresponsible fun-loving friends and 8 or 9 dozen bottles of something alcoholic. To pass the time and keep your mind off exams you can get drunk and hassle people (throwing sand in their eyes is one of the best ways) preferably respectable citizens who will call the police and get you arrested, making it impossible to sit your exam.

Again, if you're going for the Ultimate Distraction you can swim out about 200 yards and then make a nick in your leg and wait for it to attract sharks. If this works, offer the shark your writing hand in friendship. Failing this you might be able to grab a passing stingray, or perhaps a moray eel, anyway the main thing is to have tried.