Salient Notes

Salient is starting to move into an investigation of gynaecology. Ever since David Murray revealed while he was sniffing printer's glue and altogether on another astral plane that he was born arse-first. This was quite a major find as it explained a number of interesting things about his facial arrangement. Lamorna "the face that launched a thousand ships" Rogers boldly asserted that she was born headfirst and that this was indirectly the cause of her slightly mis-formed body. The doctors and nurses were all so astonished at the beauty she revealed even at that tender age, that the forgot to complete the delivery properly, and poor Lamorna was left for some time straddling the two worlds. Our research showed many other interesting facts. Did you know for example that Simon Wilson was born as his mother tripped over a bundle of newspapers. Highly significant.

A lot of people are beginning to doubt that Doug Thompson was born at all. They think that he magically appeared one day in a parcel labelled "type-setter — do not throw away. Please return to Canada after use". Not so of course Ann Humphries and Victoria. They seem to have found it more difficult to escape from their typecast roles. Mind you, Kathy Moody claims she has been Reborn........ in Mt Maunganui.

As we delved through family records more and more startling information began to surface. How do you imagine we felt when we found that Jonathan Scott, Sally Redman and Peter Beach were identical triplets. The confusion that this produced left Sally with such an identity crisis she went around speaking in a baritone while Peter switched to a falsetto and silicon breasts. Jonathan Scott became completely withdrawn and judging by the alarming extension of his shoulder blades could rapidly be turning into an albatross.

We told Lorraine Robinson that she seemed to be getting too big for her boots, so she went out and bought some new ones. When we tried to explain to her that this was not quite what we had in mind she started throwing books around the office and now she's always at least seven leagues away. This performance so upset Martha Coleman that she had to check with Margot MacGillivray that her Lifebuoy soap really was working and did the same piece of letrasetting 30 times although she didn't tell anybody.

But I wouldn't like readers to get the wrong idea about the Salient office, it's really very quiet. Why Andrew Casey and Michael Hamblyn spent a whole evening in Salient without seeing one person dismembered. Except of course Chris Norman, but after his performance in the Salient Notes last week, he doesn't really count.

I don't know if anyone else reads the Rec Centre column, but at Salient it's all that keeps us going. Stephen Benbrook assured us, with his dying breath, that the greatest, one might almost say ultimate, experience of his life was his ten yard gallop from the darkroom to the gents. Helen Aikman was not so silly though, having read that gentle exercise is more effective than fierce exercise, she has taken to propelling herself around the office in a wheel chair. James Morgan is even more restrained, he hasn't moved from his desk in three months. All of us are trying to work out a roster in accordance with this week's Student Health column.

Excuse me ladies and gentlemen we interrupt this diatribe to bring you an important birth announcement. Born to VUWSA and Wanganui Printers, Drews Avenue, Wanganui, a bright little newspaper tentatively called Salient. A strange little man called Simon Wilson is denying responsibility.