You Probably won't believe this, but the most incredible thing happened to me over the Easter holiday and I desperately need your advice

One of my flatmates brought her boy-friend home for a 'couple of days' (which turned out to be five!). That wasn't so bad in itself. What was bad was that the two of them headed straight for the bathroom and they stayed there for the better part of the holiday! Apparently they both have a little bit of a fetish about bathtubs. Needless to say the rest of us were slightly distraught.

At first we wondered, then as we sat with tightly crossed legs and bulging bladders we began to get annoyed. It was especially bad sitting in the Lounge with growing agony and hearing all these incredible noises and giggles and things coming from the direction of the bathroom.

In the end we were compelled to seek rescue from friendly neighbours so there were no great embarassing disasters.

But please, Colin, can you give my flatmate a piece of your mind! This situation is incredibly embarassing for the rest of the flat but my amourous mate just does not seem to understand!

Well, if I gave your flatmate a piece of my mind she'd have to spend two weeks in the tub to soak off the residue. But I do have two suggestions to try if this ever happens again.

1)	remove the lock on the bathroom door in advance of the visit,
2)	install microphones around the tub. When the pair next indulge, turn up the amp with speakers throughout the house. This way either the sound itself will make you forget about everything else or else when they hear their own grunts and growns reverberating through the building they just might get the hint.

There's one other possibility too. Turn off the power to the hot water cylinder and about half an hour later offer them both a hot cup of tea.