Weir House Crumble Mumble

(Don't you ever get sick of these 'Dear John' letters?). Could you please let us extend a message to that awfully bothersome chappie Mr Applecrumble. He is making a frightful nuisance of himself. The pesty little blighter.

And someone else said that Applecrumb's poetry is so good it deserves a Cole's Notes edition of its own. Fancy that - here is an extract of the proposed edition: Biographical Notes

Applecrumb came from an orchard in Eketahuna and was the youngest of a bunch of nine. His father was chopped down before the young Applecrumb was ripe and this is reflected in Applecrumb's attempts to hide his insecurity in traditional poetic devices such as alliteration: "Belly, balls and bladder bulging" as well as immature neologisms: "Thugby".

On the whole we can only conclude that Applecrumb's pattern of reference is confused and lacks a consistent, coherent thread. The verse is contrived and cliche-ridden. For example he gives Wellington a brilliant new epithet when he describes it as "windy" or the sheer artificiality of such lines as "And at your James Cook window pause to stare".

It is unfortunate that Applecrumble was given such extensive coverage in that widely read Salient (audited net circulation of 6,000 Heylen Research Centre). In conclusion it can only be concluded that we must conclude that the only conclusion to draw is a conclusion which states that Applecrumble gives us all the pip. Not long after last week's Salient Applecrumble fell of the tree and was eaten by a stray cow. Eaten is the apple that could have grown full rotten "copyright Coles Notes edition entitled: 'Applecrumble Gets his Just Desserts' ".

Well, Mr Editor please print this letter. It took frightfully long to draft and now that it is an enlisted letter it needs promotion because the boys all try to get it drunk in the barracks (Barrett's?).

The Knights of Weir House.

Heavily abridged because of lack of space-Ed