Salient Notes

Imagine, gentle reader, the cosy confines of a quiet room in that big red brick building in Kelburn Parade. As the aromatic smell of freshly made, ground coffee wafts through the corridors, a silver haired, peaceful man lounges in his leather armchair, feet on the mantlepiece, picking his nose and gazing dreamily out of the window at the sweating construction workers toiling in the blazing sun outside. Suddenly the calm is broken The phone rings.

What the hell do you want?

Its Phil here, Dan, Phil your old mate. Phil, Phil who. Christ, that Phil. Yes, master, forgive me. I was just doing a few projections on me new calculator on the percentile increase of professorial staff over the next 1000 years.

Don't bore me with figures, Dan. I've just spent all afternoon trying to figure out ways of making all our achievements look like impressive statistics for our campaign. Jesus its a job. Thank God, I've got young Bill down here to give me all the right answers. Not like that . . .

Now, now Phil. Remember what happened last time you talked like that. Anyway what can I do you for, master, I suppose you want to lop another million off our grant?

Look, I told you Dan, I don't want to talk about money. Its that Salient mob. The PM's got the shits up. Goes round muttering to himself all day about them. He reckons they're doing us a hundred votes an issue. The rest of the bloody Cabinet's on my back and we were just wondering if you might like to . . .

Aw gee Phil, you wouldn't want me to do a thing like that. I mean to say, we were all young and stupid once, and they're nice young people at heart. Why they haven't said a nasty thing about me all year and they often come up here and have a few bee ... I mean frank and meaningful discussions.

But fair's fair, Dan. Look at all the things we've given you. I mean to say some people'll be nice to us on the cheap, as it were. I'm not asking for much...

If you want my opinion, Phil, its those beastly types down at NZUSA, being rude to you and me and calling the PM a liar.

No, no Dan, you've got it all wrong. Shaw, Blincoe, Carson, Franks and that young sheila Green don't worry us. Half of them are in the Party anyway and you know the old saying about sheep returning to the fold. No, Bill and Bob are having nightmares about Salient. Take that Robinson fellow. Frankly, Dan, he's a threat.

Mmmmmmm.

And its not as if he's on his own. Well, there's people like John Henderson in his silly hat, Robert Pui, Tony Ward being rude about Bill's bursaries scheme, David Newtown being to confoundedly objective about it all, Lionel Klee, Quentin Roper's cartoons, Derek Fikkers, John McBride, Gary Henderson, Kevin Swann, Kevin Wright, Les Knight, Jonathan Hughes, Jules Maher keeping them out of court, Lloyd Weeber . . . Jesus, Dan, the list the Brig gave us looks like a ruddy bill book its so large.

But there's a lot of nice gals in there too, Phil, and they keep the young blokes under control.

You would have to be joking, Dan. They're the worst of the lot. With people like Christine Haggart, Lisa Sacksen, Bryony Hales and company aiming their pens at us, we haven't got a show. And that blasted Abernethy fellow with his camera and confounded Pat O'Dea's record reviews which kept most of the jolly caucus so enthralled that we nearly lost a division on the Commerce Bill.

I've got thousands of students up here, Phil, and those people are just a drop in the ocean.

Okay, Dan, if you want the lot I'll give it to you, straight from the top. David Rutherford, Stephen Prendergast, David Tripe, Lynn Peck, Rachel Patrick, Philip Tree, Brian King, Graeme Collins, John Roseveare, Dianne Hooper, David Waghorn, Colin Feslier, June Strachan, Marty Pilott, Mark Derby, Poter Boshier, Pat Martin, Martin Doyle, Julie McBride, Don Wright, Liz Rowe, Tony Robinson, Richard Best, Sue Piper, Audrey Young, Janet Murphy, Martin Brown, Martin Edmond, Geoff Savell, Brendan Gaffney, Peter Conway, Neville Wynn, Sue Green, Alison Grant, Leonie Morris, Lindy Cassidy, Cath Bergin, Glenda McCallum, Rod Prosser, Robert Reid, Kevin Clark, Peter Thomson, Terry Auld, Martin Reyners, Jim Delahunty, Dianne MacDonald, Carolyn Bowman, Sylvia Goddard, Kevin Wright, Graeme Cookson, Raewyn and Bob Good, Michael Hull, Andy Moore Jones, Geoff Woolford, Ken Howell, Kay De Bernardo, Gyles Beckford, Margot Bourke, Neil Pearce, George Clarkson, Trevor Mallard, Don Carson, Graeme Simpson, Albert Rhodes...

But he's not a student Phil

No, but he's a bloody nuisance, isn't he, and John Ryall who's editing the wretched rag next year if you give him half a chance.

Let's discuss this like rational men, Phil, I know the young are sometimes irksome but what can I do.

I don't care what you do, Danny boy. All I'm saying is that if that crowd is on the presses next week, there won't be enough bread in your quinquennium to buy postage stamps.