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the very last SRC Report

by Gary Henderson

Just thought I'd write and tell you about this meeting we had here the other day. SRC, it's called - stands for Student Representative Council. It was the last one of the year - quite a laugh really. It started off normal, you know, apologies and all that, but then things started to warm up. We've had this big stink here lately about a Malaysian High Commission car on Campus. (We don't like these guys.) Well, after four weeks or so, our man on the job, this guy called John Henderson, has finally discovered that it was a South Korean car, so that's that.

Then this girl called Anne Dwyer started to give a report from the Arts, Languages and Literature Faculty meeting. She talked on about some sort of data they were collecting - you know, facts about attitudes to academic employment, especially the attitudes to (and of) women. I though it would be boring, you know what I'm like, Dad, when all at once some guy called Tom jumped up from the other side of the room and started to criticize the survey, saying it had all be done before, and that sort of thing. They had quite a row. It turned out to be her brother - gave me a good laugh, that did, Dad. Then Lisa Sacksen (she's our President) said we couldn't have a family dispute here, and dragged in this other joker called Pat Martin, who was at the meeting too, to sort things out. Well, bugger all use he was, Dad. He said he agreed with the survey, called Tom an ultra-leftist, then sat down again.

Then up jumped this little squirt called Paul Swain (you'd like him, Dad, always makes me laugh) and moved that all motions be put, all chairman's rulings be disagreed with, all speakers be no longer heard, and that we get on with talking about the fight. Pat Martin (the guy who was bugger all use before) seconded it, and put two jubs on Ali (you'd like him too, Dad). Well, Paul Swain spoke to his motion, and said he was sick of the "usuals" talking, and reckoned that the people who never spoke should have a go. But, he said, it was a silly motion and he urged us to vote against it. Then he moved a vote of no confidence in Pat Martin for seconding it. Pat seconded that motion too. In the end both motions lost anyway.

Well, Dad (if I can call you that), it was about here that things started to get confusing. Someone moved that Paul Swain be no longer heard, but it didn't work because he wasn't talking so the second he started to talk the motion came up again, and he nearly had to shut up, but the motion was lost. (You getting all this, Dad? You are my Dad aren't you?) So this joker Swain moved that John Henderson be not allowed to talk, and John Henderson seconded it. This motion was passed, then this joker Martin suggested Henderson should take that little, sleazy, grubby, white rag he calls a hat off his head. Somebody whipped it off, which was the fastest action SRC's taken all year.

Well, Dad (or is it mother? lipstick makes so much difference), things got serious for a while here. You see we needed a couple of reps to go to an SGM of NZUSA. So this guy, David Cunningham, who talks like a bee in a tin can, but usually makes sense, moved that our chief delegates to August Council, i.e. Lisa Sacksen and a long thin thing named Gyles Beckford, go as the two reps. Well nobody had the energy to argue, so they'll be going. Then we had to find a rep for the Science Faculty. Tim Naylor had been nominated, and there was no opposition, no enthusiasm, no nothing, so he got on. There were no nominations for the Catering Sub Committee, so nothing happened there. (As you can probably see, Dad (sorry 'bout that but after all some say its the deaf that hear best), these things don't excite us all that much.)

Next we had to get a Publications Officer and a Secretary for the rest of the year, since the ones we've got now are only interim. The hatless John Henderson was kept on as Pubs. Officer, and Leonie Morris was elected Secretary.

It was about then, Dad, that things started to liven up again. You see, a couple of weeks ago in 'Salient' there was an ad. for "bean bags". It had one of your classic pretty girls draped across it, and was coming under some pretty heavy fire for being sexist, particularly from a girl called Diane Hooper. To use her own words, she was "thoroughly angered and pissed off" and thought the ad. could have been "more creative and intellectually honest". Paul Swain backed her up, and said Salient should print a front page apology. The ad was supposed to have come from the Students Association, but only a few of the Executive (i.e. a guy called Steve Underwood) knew anything about it.

Well, Steve defended himself - blamed Salient, said Shell Oil gave us the ad, and generally tried to spread the guilt around. He gave all sorts of technical reasons connected with the problems of reproducing colour photographs etc. etc. ad nauseum.

Then Bruce Robinson, who's the editor of Salient, spoke. You wouldn't believe this guy, Dad. (I know you prefer a different appelation but this I can't afford to give this Robinson guy any more ammunition). You've heard of "slash and burn" agriculture? Well that's how this guy edits, so you probably won't get to read this sentence. Anyway, he went on about a few technicalities, then said he was glad of such a reaction, since he'd been quite disappointed that other, far more reactionary "drivel" that he'd put into Salient hadn't even caused a ripple. Pat Martin said the ad stereotyped women as "pretty objects", and another girl said it had nothing to do with whether the girl in the ad was pretty or not, it was still a subtle conditioning of women. Diane had a bit more to say about how she thought Salient was supposed to have a rather more enlightened view of the world, then her motion that we condemn and disassociate ourselves from sexist advertising was voted on and passed.

Well, Dad, things started to get funny (no, not what you'd think, Dad) again. Paul Swain (who else) moved that this other guy called Tony Ward, because of the Fentonish connotations of his last name, change his name to Tony Hart. Pat Martin agreed - Hart had a much more romantic aura about it. Well, that motion was passed. Then David Cunningham moved that because Mr Hart's first name was similar to a product pushed in sexist ads, he should change that too - to "Sunlight". The motion was passed, with one dissention recorded, from Sunlight Hart.

Well, other motions that sneaked through in the general hilarity, were that the SRC coordinator prepare a summary of 1975 policy for next year, and that the minutes of this funny meeting go into the 1976 handbook. I can hardly wait.

Then, Dad, John Henderson, who was now allowed to speak again, had bribed a guy called Roper (with a cigarette) into seconding a motion which read "Albatross". After minimal discussion it was amended to "Jonathon Livingston Albatross". Then our resident squirt (just supposition, Dad), Paul Swain, amended it again by putting '"the naked" in front of it all. Straight away, David Cunningham squeaked something about putting "once upon a time" in front of it all. Then someone else added "bleeding" in front of "Albatross". As you can see, Dad, these meetings can be quite constructive.

Well, this was all laid on the table while a joker called Robert Lithgow (you'd probably like him too, Dad - a man's man) brought up something serious. He asked how many of us liked any of the stuff secreted by the hot dring machines. Four or five people did. He therefore recommended we get rid of them, and return to the hot water and tea bags method. Steve Underwood informed us that students have a nasty habit of pinching all the cups and saucers, and anyway, there was a three-year contract on those machines. Still, Lithgow's motion was passed, except that we retain one of them. I still wonder what is going to happen to the three-year contract though.

Then a rather rich-looking David Tripe tried to resurrect some old motion of his about nuclear power that was laid on the table several weeks ago, but he failed. I think we all objected to his dirty exponential functions (you should have seen them!) Anyway, that motion will come up again at the first SRC next year.

So, Dad, old Albatross was brought back, and to cut a long story short, the story now reads, "Once upon a time, the bleeding naked Johnathon Livingston Albatross tripped and fell from twenty thousand feet, but ..." which I think is the start to quite a lurid, faintly smutty story.

If you think this report's been incoherent, Dad (probably a lack of you know what - withdrawal symptoms) you should have been at the meeting.

Well, it's the last report I have to write. Everything's finishing now. Another summer's coming on, and I've got exams to sit, and a job to find. Sometimes I wonder where it all went. Maybe I'll see you around.