Tennyson go to Hell!

I stumbled across Alfred t Tennyson's letter in your last issue and was initially surprised and eventually nauseated.

Disposed to retiscence (the sweet consequence of a retiring temper and a pathetic physical stature) I am seldom one to swim in the turgid waters of public remonstrance; yet in this instance my conscience pricks me on.

Alfred t Tennyson is a pseudonym, and the stupid society which this cheap, nay criminal, prankster claims to represent is a mere fiction.

Those are the facts. Disturbing enough in themselves, the unpleasantry approaches monstrous proportions when given the bogus weight of Mr. Tennyson's' absurd insistence on the English Genius being none other than himself.

The English Genius lives next door to me and we get on quite sell. His name is Bulwer Lytton and he is elevel hands in height. He is no relation to the imposter Tennyson'.

Tennyson' is in truth, a captain of local industry, and, in the eyes and mouths of those acquainted with the sniveller, is a bit of shit. Once, in an unguarded moment, the swine let slip two things about his own obstinately repugnant person.

Given those salient (no pun intended) shortcomings in Tennyson's' cultural composition, I question his right to pass any comment on music or peotry, and in view of the circumstances which led him to venture into so protean a pasture, Mr. King's generally accurate and auspicious observations on Mr. Brown's lyrics.

I'm sorry that this letter is so big while Mr. Tennyson' is so small, but pretending you are something you are not gets on my goat.

This brings me around to what I want to say. Your film reviewer, who whitewashes an ugly mind with the nom-de-resistance of 'the Trev co-op' is guilty of the same criminal subtefuge. In the fetid imagination betrayed by the grisly style, lurks a need for anonynimity which would be granted as understandable, were it not more important that the individual recognise his awful inanity.

If I may say so. The Trev Co-op' is indicative of the consequences of the implementation of the principles which lay behind Forster's Education Act of 1870.

Not only is the puerile 'iggernerant' stance of the congenital cretin a pale echo of that of a public persona, who, through overexposure, we'we all grown to loathe, but also 'the Trev co-op' gets its facts wrong.

Joseph Levine did not direct The Night Porter'. He produced it; leaving the unenviable job of directing it to a certain Ms Liliana Cavani, who is an Italian and enjoys a good reputation. As Ms Cavani's premier proponent, and a great one for facts, it seems only proper that I should put the record straight and narrow.

Consequently, as a paid up member of Hollywood's 'Freddy Club', I wish to dissociate myself from captains of industry, the 'Trev co-op' and its unusual interpretation of the responsibilities under taken by the executive arm of a motion picture company; Mr. Swinburne and the whole 'modern school' of poetry.

Wedderspoon on Green

Pauline Green offers emotive bias and M. Hirshfeld makes out he is becoming some sort of New Zealand's Chaim Weitzman. It smacks more of the Likud/Menachem Beigin style which is enough to make even the most 'frum' anti-gangster. The P. L. O. has got to be listened to because they have some very genuine greivances against the alienation of their land. Hirshfeld cannot reconcile imperial Zionism with democratic socialism in any way. His 'chutzpah' verges on the 'meshugah'!

The Last Shredded Straw

I have tried without success to make coleslaw like they make it at the middle-floor restuarant. I have left chopped-up cabbage in the firdge for a month, shredded jotter paper and kipped it in oil—but to no avail. I can't get that unique stale-straw taste. How do they do it?

The Smell of a Manifesto

Having read 'Mr. W's' letter in Salient we of the White Sports Coat (not Shite) and Pink Carnation Society would like to say that we can take criticism but must warn Mr. W that we know his true identity. Also, it is important in criticism to have one's facts right. In the press statement which was authorised by the entire society and was not merely a stray remark by an unnoticed member, we said that if it wasn't for the influence of White People Blacks might be throwing spears and not would be throwing spears.

We feel that the time is ripe, if not putrid, to reveal our manifesto. Four score and ten weeks ago we as part of the silent majority decided to become a noisy minority as a form of protest against nothing in general. So a couple of weeks later we forged enough signatures to enable us to become an affiliated club, fired by youthful idea is and not a little influenced by the yearly grant. We believe in ... ah, it would probable take too long to list everything and besides we would probably change our minds about most things before finished so let it be known that we believe in everything that the Students Association doesn't and disagree with everything that they do believe in (except of course the giving of grants to clubs although we disagree with the pitiful sum we receive and are at present negotiating for a $5,000 yearly allowance which we feel is the minimum sum necessary for us to continue our war on the sickly and sometimes hypocritical liberalism that pervades this University with its roots in the exec.) and we are determined to take a stand against any policies put forward by any other affiliated clubs or persons whether we believe in what we are doing or not.

We ask not to be judged too harshly if we fall flat in the middle of some campaign or other because we don't give a shit about what we are doing and anyway we are not that worried whether we are judged harshly or not. Some people may have noticed that our socials are not up to much and this is because we couldn't give a stuff if anyone comes or not—in fact we take pleasure in seeing the disappointed looks on the guests faces. This does not mean that the proposed social on July 3 will be like that though as this is going to be a bigger and better one—but we could be lying in fact we say truthfully that we have lied somewhere in the previous three paragraphs—we leave it to you to find it.

In conclusion we say—if you have some dark vicious prejudices hidden deep within you—great we could use you as a member of our society as we have some vacancies—one especially since we discovered that the Wizard is now too left-wing for us.

Happy nigger/pooftah/fem/Cong baiting, The White Sports Coat and Pink Carnation Soc.

Explosive Letter

I have a problem. Every time I sit down next to someone they fart. You may well laugh, but I assure you that in many cases it proves extremely unpleasant. Not only is the odour offensive, but often (and I have found this increasingly so recently) the unashamed producer of such an unmuffled explosion will with baffling sincerity and embarrassing loudness of voice accuse me of the disruption. It is this openess about it all that I find most distressing though no more distressing than the disgusting nature of the fart itself.

It is small wonder that one such as I find it particularly repugnant to have oneself labelled as the producer of such an antisocial device, especially in company. After all, there is no convincing way to counter such an embarrassing accusation and still retain one's dignity. One can either accept the responsibility for the recent outburst still lurking in the atmosphere or partake in a childish, not to mention inelegant 'who done it' controversy.

It is all the embarrassment involved with this distasteful activity that has caused 'permissive society' to allow the rather false security from shame that the unfortunate creators of such exhibitions now enjoy. I say false because I know from personal experience that I often cover my feelings of revulsion in order to save the culprit emnarrassment for I know he produced his rumbling creation in the mistaken belief that nobody minded and that it was a perfectly sociable practise.

Here we have the dilema which any responsible-thinking modern person must solve before unleashing his inner-most urges on the general public.

He must accurately analyse the feelings held by each person present and their likely reaction to his fart. Is he going to be ridiculed and abused or is he goint to be accepted? Is this acceptance, when he gets it, going to be sincere or will there be bad smells harboured against him? Will these bad smells be temporary, or will they eventually banish him from polite society. These are just some of the questions faced by the modern farter. It is a brave man indeed who will fart first and run the risk of harrassment later.

The point I'm trying to make is that if you're inclined to fart and I believe, (as we have all been taught to believe by our schools, after being taught differently by our parents), everyone is subject to this biological phenomean, then it is better all round if we know the reaction of society beforehand. This I believe will cause less strain on the nervous system and through regular training as opposed to the prevailing 'do it where you like' philosophy. The bowels, I believe will be advantaged. I have been told and indeed have learnt from personal experience that it is easier to develop really useful farst when not in fear of ridicule and disgust from fellow men.

Therefore I say let us again frown on farting in public and restrict its practise to rightful surroundings and hereby take a step towards stemming the flow of permissive society and saving ourselves from the sickening descent of society to general permissiveness, chaos and insanity.

Capping

I was disturbed to read the words of our 'Crapping Controller'—Steve Underwood.

He gave a snappy little review of the happy times had by all who gave it a go. This was ok, but the thing that bugged me was the tail end section where he stated that:

'Financially, Capping made a few hundred dollars for the Association. I hope some of this will be used to provide more social functions at a reasonable cost.'

This statement immediately infers that the Association made money out of Capping and this profit could possibly be used to subsidise more socials—Jeeze!

I wish that man and people like him could get themselves together.

Students are already paying through the nose to join the Association and that organisation is still milking the unsuspecting deadheads up here.

What's wrong with the Association shouting a bit of free piss or selling it bloody cheaply anyway, just once a year.

Other universities place a premium on this type of activity and it seems that with all the work piled on at the moment the students here have forgotten how to have a good time.

I say next year, $1,000 to Blow on Capping would be fair.

Before we get trapped by the 9am to 5pm how about a bit of encouragement in the art of enjoyment, because just looking around, I'm bloody sure 99% of the people here look as if they have forgotten.

Exam Consciousness

I am appalled by the number of rabbits in the library. They are everywhere. Gnawing at my notes and messing up the catalogues. Those crocodiles practising press-ups on the tables are equally distracting and not at all conducive to work of any description. Why couldn't they do them on the floor? That's what I want to know. With the pressure of exams on now, I am becoming increasingly anxious,

First of a Series from the White Sports Coat people ...

Like 'Another Concerned Student' who was shocked like 'A Concerned Student' by the letter of 'A Housewife', I was shocked. Bursary payments barely cover the price of a bottle of coke and a Disprin, let alone Dope.

Yet Another Concerned Student.

and Second ...

I wish to complain about the bright lighting in the foyer of the Union Building. At a time when New Zealanders should be energy conscious. I feel that the Union management should contribute to power saving by turning the lights off. Also this would mean that I could sneak up and buy my Durex with the minimum embarassment.

and Third ...

When is a wanker not a wanker?—when his name is not John Henderson or Paul Swain ...

and fourth ...

I was distressed to hear that the White Sports Coat Society voted at their last meeting against the proposed amendment to the Crimes Act as put forward by Dr. Gerald Wail. I am writing this letter in support of Dr. Wail's amendment as a practising member of the medical profession and a now non-practising member of the White Sports Coat Society. For too long certain undesirable people have been indluging in their perverted practices and undermining our moral principles—laying us wide open to corruption and inevitable infiltration by corrupt alien elements such as communism and glitter-rock.

The bleeding hearts who cry out that this amendment is in violation of freedom of thought, speech and action are obviously unaware that there are no such things written into any constitution common to this country. This myth of freedom only results in a feeling of dissatisfaction in an otherwise happy little country and can completely destroy the tranquility we all cherish if allowed too loose a rein.

Taking the example set by my colleague Dr. Wall, I have drafted a bill myself having been disturbed of late by the nefarious habit of tobacco smoking that threatens our community by destroying the health of our youth. It is a well-known fact that a healthy body builds a healthy mind so if the body weakens then the mind will also weaken and will as a consequence become exposed to the moral destroying elements that Dr. Wall, myself, and all other right-thinking people recognize.

The bill as I have drafted it reads:

I realise that with the acceptance of this bill a good many people will be open to prosecution but one must view the idealized goal rather than the practical consequences.

My friend and colleague Dr. Wall has admitted to smoking 20 small cigars a day (Sunday Times, June 8) so I sincerely hope he will begin to act like a normal person before my bill goes through in order to save embarrasment to himself and his fellow MPs.

I suspect that some selfish members of the community will not view my bill favourably but I feel that someone must risk being misunderstood if it benefits society ultimately and therefore I do not let this sort of thing worry me. Society is justified in protecting its young from bad influences and tobacco and homosexuality both need damping down before we have a country full of anaemic short-winded pansies.

I hope then that the stout hearted will take up the cry 'Down with fags' and support both bills.

and Fifth ...

I would like to stand in defence of 'A Housewife'. It is quite obvious, from what my daughter has told me, that most students at the University are pre-occupied with taking drugs and practicing immoral homosexual pursuits.

Another Housewife.

and Sixth ...

I feel the need to protest strongly to the letter appearing in you last issue from the 'regal and vice-regal' of the W. S. C. & P.C. Society.

Who do these people think they are? Such stupid comments about my gay brothers and sisters can hardly be called for!

Let these two childish individuals meet me face to face. The suppression of a minority is nothing to poke fun at!

So please, boys, show a little sense!

Adrian Kweer fellow.

and Seventh ...

Well done again White Sport Coat and Pink Carnation Society! Do you have to get your kicks in this way?

An Offensive Letter

How are ya? Lisen Bruce it is bout time the bloody windows were cleaned aint it. The windows in the librey, ya can't bloody well see out of them, I mean shit they are not there for the "Young man of Kent' to look at are they. I appeal to your better judgement and your appreciation of the finer values of life, suck that dirt off ah!