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Salient. Victoria University Student Newspaper. Vol. 37, No. 6. April 10, 1974

Open Day has come and gone

Open Day has come and gone

So open day has come and gone—mainly gone: "We need people to help," was the plaintive cry at the SRC meeting and being somewhat enthusiastic, and fairly stupid, I volunteered. I wasn't sure I knew enough about the university to take a group of potential $25.50's on a guided tour of the place, but working on the Triple-B theory, (namely "Bullshit Baffles Brains") I figured if I kept talking I'd muddle my way through.

So I arrived at the appointed hour, and immediately had a red label pinned to me—that's right, me—through my parka, T-shirt, and into me. I felt a bit of a prick. Not the best way to start the day, admittedly, but no time to worry about it. Already a few seventh formers were milling about the foyer trying to look like they'd been at varsity for years (an act which fell hilariously flat). So I tried to look official as I rounded up seven or eight of them and headed up the stairs.

(Where to first—past Salient office?)

"That's the Salient office." (So.....?)

"That's where Salient is put together." (No kidding!!!...Don't look around, they'll see how scared you are.)

"And along here is the Smoking Room, and Lounge, where various meetings are held...er.. (Keep talking!!)

"...er, yes, various...and-urn—" (Groan)

"—and this is the Memorial Theatre,...it's the ....er...the...Memorial Theatre...' (Get out of here before they ask who it's a memorial to.)

"Now that building over there is the Hunter Building, named after the first Chancellor..." (wrong again)

"....and in there are the Department of Law, Physics and Music." (Approximately)

"Where is the Stage Three Laboratory?" asked a sweet young girl. I could hear files opening and closing in my brain as the little men ran around looking for information on the Stage Three Lab

"Where the hell do we look?"

"Look under 'LabsL."

"Law... lavatories.... laser beam.... labs, labs.

Physics, Stage I, Stage II.....no Stage III here!!"

"Put an emergency call through to Subconscious, no record here."

"Subconscious here, no record here either. Use the Triple-B theory."

"The Stage Three Lab? Oh, that's just upstairs," I mumbled, waving my arm vaguely at a concrete pylon, which was too busy holding up New Kirk to notice my predicament.

"Now if you'll just follow me up the stairs here, we'll go up the stairs." (Hmmmmmm!)

"Now that is a very interesting painting once you grasp the deeper significance of it," I lied.

Photo of the Rankine Brown building

(Good for the image.) They were suitably impressed.

"This building is Old Kirk, which is now mainly disused. (Blank looks all round.) Inside, there is the Computing Services Centre, and... er.. a few books, and—er... books..." (Keep talking!)

"...er... disused,—mainly...' (Next building, quick!!)

"Now that is the Rankine Brown building, where you'll find the Departments of Maths, Psychology, Economics, ...and the Library." (Well donel)

"The ...er.... lifts don't stop at the fourth or fifth—er—floor." (urrrrr!)

"All these buildings, by the way, are named after dead professors." I hurried across the courtyard and up to the motor cycle parking lot, my flock of confused disciples jumbling along behind me.

"This building is called Easterfield, good for Chemistry and suicides." There was a general ripple of amusement." (You did that well.)

I moved quickly along the the bikes, then declared. "That dilapidated green building through there is our famous gymnasium." A few passing I students suddenly looked at me. I was seized by the horrible thought that in my haste to get the tour over, I had left my visitors behind, and was now loudly extolling the virtues of "our famous gymnasium" to a row of bored motor cycles.

"It's your what?" came a girl's voice reassuringly.

"Gymnasium," I mumbled, and moved off towards the Lecture Blocks. Cotton Building..... lecture Blocks.....Extension....out on to the road.

"Yes, they're all ours....we also have some up there, and down on Wai-te-ata Raod.....heads of Arts Departments mainly..."

"Where are the Language Labs?"

Again a vague wave of the arm, an apparently cool, but actually frantic look at the Open Day Guide.

"30 Kelburn Parade." (Quick, get rid of them!)

"Well, that's about it....I don't think there's much more of the general layout to see..." (Stop talking. Just get rid of it.)

"So I'll leave you here to go where you want to." (Walk-Walk!! Don't run)

And back in the foyer, the political factions were out in force. I hid my red label. At the top of the stairs was Anne Gilbert, holding an armful of The Paper', in the standard pose—stack of papers under one arm, title showing (optional), single copy in other hand, with arm slightly extended (elbow bent).

"Paper, ten cents," (click)

"Paper, ten cents." (click)

"Paper, ten cents." (click)

"Ten cents. Paper," (Variety is the spice of life.)

Down in the foyer a few Young Socialists were doing the same thing with 'Socialist Action', while everybody was walking past with an if I don't look-at-them-they'll-go-away expression on their faces.

I just stayed around long enough to hear a bit of minor political sparring between Wilson and Rotherham, which made me laugh, for some reason, before solemnly handing in my red label and striding dramatically off into the sunset, followed by the nagging thought that somewhere, someone's idle brain was already planning the next open day.

—Gary Henderson