On Being Sent Up

This is to inform students (and other interested persons) of a new scheme which is now in operation in the New Kirk Biology Building.

At a recent Academic Staff Meeting it was brought to the attention of the distinguished assemblage that there was a general shortage of animal speciments for dissection purposes. Hence a new scheme has been put into operation in an attempt to rectify the situation.

The scheme involves the use of the lifts in the New Kirk Building in the procurement of human bodies. It works like this, the prospective cadaver simply steps into one of the lifts (the certificate of fitness of at least two of these being out-of-date — one by over six months) and rides up and down until such time as the cable snaps (all lifts have been fitted with a special device, imported from Japan, so they slop on at least three different floors every time a single button is pressed). He is then swiftly gravitated earthwards to his death (this is relatively painless). There is an extra safeguard in case the speciment changes his mind after entering the lift — an alarm bell has never been connected.

Cadavers obtained in this way would suffer from a fair amount of impact bruising, and the mouth would be locked in a wide-open position due to instintive cries for help but they would be perfectly adequate for use in the first year laboratories.

Persons wishing to take part in the scheme (which is non-profit making and strictly for teaching purposes) are advised to enter a lift during busy hours when the cable has the highest probability of parting.