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Salient. Victoria University Student Newspaper. Vol 35 no. 22. 14th September 1972

With A Little Help From My Friends..

With A Little Help From My Friends...

It is not generally known that a certain subversive organisation in Wellington has been keeping tabs on some of the leading political lights in the country. By making a substantial donation to the organisation's funds, Salient has managed to obtain the following verbatim report of telephone conversation between two of the country's political elite. For obvious reasons we cannot disclose the name of our informant, nor the methods by which he obtained this information, but we have no reason to doubt the authenticity of what follows.

"Hello - hello - Is that you Norman?"

"Yes. Kirk here."

"Norman, its Bruce here."

"Who?"

"Bruce"

"Bruce who?"

"Bruce Beetham, Norman."

"Oh. Hold on a minute, (muffled shouts, inaudible mutterings)...How are things in wonderland Bruce?"

"Now cut that out, Norman, because I have a proposition to put to you. How would you like to be Prime Minister, Norman?"

"Who me?"

"Yes, Norman, you."

"Well, Bruce, its nice of you to ask, but in point of fact I'm bound to say that at this point in time the prospect of me being PM doesn't really look likely. You see, Bruce, up until February I though I had quite a chance of getting the job since I fitted so well into the mould of New Zealand's leaders - little if any secondary education, a depression mentality, no leadership ability, no imagination - but then Keith broke our agreement by stepping down, since he'd sworn that he would let me carry on the tradition some day. But now that Jack's in the chair, Bruce, I feel that I'm out of the race - I just can't compete against a university education and a gentlemen image; my longer hair and TV training aren't enough any more. I tell you, Bruce, I'm seriously thinking of retiring to London to the High Com's job. I'd have to join the Nats, but there's no difference anyway, is there Bruce, I mean I wouldn't be going against my principles, would I?"

"Well, Norm, I don't happen to think so, but before you do anything you might regret listen to this: Norman, I can make you the PM in November, in return for a few small favours. You'll be on top, Norm, you'll have made it."

"Suffering savages, Bruce, could you? 'How?"

"Its very simple, Norm; all you have to do is withdraw your candidates in four seats where our vote is bigger than yours; we'll win and with those four seats we'll hold the balance of pow... responsibility and will support you for PM. How does that sound, Norman?"

"Sounds reasonable, Bruce. I'd have to get rid of the candidates for those seats, but that shouldn't be too difficult - we could enlarge the NZBC board, or make them JP's. What kind of favours?"

"Oh nothing much, Norm: I'd have to be Minister of Finance, of course, and we'd have to have the right to make all the appointments to the Reserve Bank board, and you'd have to make Weal and O'Brien our Ambassadors to the Vatican and Nepal or somewhere, and one or two other minor things, Norm, nothing much alltogether."

"Sounds reasonable enough, Bruce, but we'd better keep it quiet - we don't want anyone getting hold of it. Tell you what - you issue a statement about the four seats, omitting the details. I'll reject it saying that we can win on our own and then you can tell all your chaps to vote for us in the other 83."

"Hold on Norm, 83 what?"

"The 83 electorates other than the ones you'll be contesting Bruce"

"But, Norm, we've got to contest all the electorates - we've promised all our members a go at least one each and I can't go against that promise. Norm, or they'll all go over to join the reactionary running dogs O'Brien and Weal and stand for them." "Well Bruce, its no deal otherwise, but I'm sure we can work it out. I'll be in Hamilton next week and I'll get in touch."

"Okay, Norm, but I hope we can come to some arrangement" "I'm sure that we'll be able to, Bruce - I think I'd rather like to be PM now that I come to think about it. Goodnight, Bruce."

"Goodnight Norm."