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Selections from How to Raise Children at Home in your Spare Time.

by Marvin Gersh.

On Selecting a babysitter: p. 62.

First, sex crimes against children are less likely to be committed by strangers. Second, drug users are less likely to commit these crimes. Third, the incidence of commission of sex crimes is extremely low, if existent at all, among Jews. The best baby-sitter should be the one your children should be safest with. Therefore, if you go by the statistics, a stranger who is a marijuana smoking Jew would be best.

On Nursemaid's elbow: p. 202.

This is a temporary dislocation of the elbow caused by yanking the child's arm, usually as you are crossing the street. The arm will hang limp and the child will cry if you try to bend it. Your doctor can usually easily snap it into place. Push the child, do not pull him across the street. Better yet, yell at him.

On Breastfeeding: p. 36.

For reasons that I will let the reader fantasize about, the most enthusiastic advocates of breastfeeding are not mothers, not grandmothers, not nurses, but male paediatricians. During a discussion with a slightly obese male paediatrician who was urging breastfeeding with great enthusiasm, I found my eyes somewhat unaccountably fixed on his shirt front. People who do not wear bras should not insist on breastfeeding.

On Mona Lisa: p. 136.

For some years I was a camp physician. I used to wander over to the pool to see how the children were getting on. I would notice that various kids in the shallow end would suddenly stop what they were doing, look around and then a funny little half-smile would appear on their faces, the same secretive slightly-off-centre smile with the lips just slightly turned up at the edge, that I now saw on the Mona Lisa. It was the smile of relief and secret triumph at bladder release. I can only postulate that Leonardo, who was known as a hard taskmaster, had [unclear: invited] that his model sit for many hours before him with out being allowed up...She probably could not hold back any longer. Just at the moment of release, Leonardo must have caught her expression. I am sure even he did not appreciate the significance.

On Bowel-movements: p. 78.

A famous paediatrician, Dr. Bass, was consulted by the parents of a child with a stool problem. He felt that the parents had been aggravating the situation by constantly reminding the child that he ought to have a bowel-movement. He discussed this with the parents, asked them to de-emphasise bowel-movements, and asked them to return in several months.

On their return visit, Dr. Bass consulted with the parents prior to his examination. The parents assured him that they had never mentioned the subject to the boy but nevertheless, the problem persisted. Then Dr. Bass went into the examination room to see the child. He said, "Good morning". The child replied, "Good morning. Dr Bass did you have a bowel-movement this morning?"