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The Thoughts Of ...

Canta, who kindly gave us permission to copy it, is in trouble (see opposite) for publishing ...

What's - His - Name?

The P.M. recently received an Honorary School Certificate. This followed recent recognition for the P.M.'s great services towards education in establishing the Ilam Technical Institute.

In accepting the award, the P.M. said that although he had said it before, it was still true that there are moments "when the certain aura of history is palpable in the living present".

"This," he went on, "is surely one? one of them.

"This presentation is a genuine example of democracy in action, and to one whose formal education has been unfortunately limited, it is a truly moving and heart-rending experience. and one which staggers the mind.

"Too often these days virtue is allowed to go unrewarded, and I wish to take this opportunity of thanking you all most sincerely for this recognition of my magnificent services to mankind.

"I walk through the main streets of our great New Zealand cities and who do I see? Hundreds of idle young men and women standing on corners, in phone booths, outside conveniences with their mouths wide open, and I think to myself, in my inimitable manner, how much I'd like to walk up to them and pop ping-pong balls into those tempting gaps.

"But, and I say this with all humility, another thought often strikes me when I see these youngsters cluttering our streets and making them unsafe for women and Prime Ministers: 'Is this what I created unemployment for?' I shudder and walk quietly on.

"Let me for a moment, however. speak in a somewhat lighter vein. During some of my more recent spare moments. I have, to use a popular phrase, would you believe, jotted down a few lyrics and I would like you who have just honoured me to now accept this gift in return: in my full-throated voice. I now present to you my version of a New Zealand National Anthem:

Put Stars and Stripes on every chest; Try to be America's best!

It's Uncle Sam who keeps us Free, So we do what America says, you see.

Each morning on my knees I pray That Marshal Ky will show the way, Defending Freedom every day? Putting those who disagree away.

Security Corps will guard our rights And save us from the nasty frights, While I will luck you is at nights If North Veetnumb shoots out our lights.

"Thank you. and while I am speaking of patriotic matters, I am led to wonder if there is anyone in this audience, nay, in this whole country with the courage of a Sir Francis Chichester.

"What a great publicity boost it would be for our nation in these troubled days for a, a New Zealander to sail the world, in a boat made from wool. And, and you may laugh, but someday it will be done.

"All along the untrodden pathways of the future. I can see the hidden footsteps of an unseen hand.

"Unlike many simple-minded people, I can see the great changes looming ahead of us. We must try to rise above mere morality, prudence and common sense.

"We must broaden our horizons. We must expand our export markets. We must persuade the Japanese, for instance, to eat more meat and drink more milk so that they will grow big and strong.

"The Japanese are our friends, and no longer need we prepare weapons to fight them. Which brings me to yet another topic, and to those of you who say that we are not spending enough on defence, I would say just this. Obviously we are spending enough, otherwise we would be spending more.

"I think the people of New Zealand have done a magnificent job in weathering the storms which my colleagues and I whipped up for them.

"I have thoroughly enjoyed these last few months which have been all too few, but I must confess to not a little feeling of admiration for all those wonderful Kiwis who voted for Mr. Muldoon and I, and who have brought more smiles to our faces in the last few months than ever before.

"The pig has done a superb job in righting the economic ills of this country; working up to three hours a day, on two or more days some weeks.

"Such intense devotion to duty surely deserves better than the ignorant and misguided criticism he has had heaped upon him from time to time by ignorant and misguided people whose name I will not mention.

"Us Members of Parliament have no recourse to strikes as the common workers have. We can't have a sit-in in the House of Representatives like the unemployed.

"We can't refuse to work until we get more pay.

"These foul manifestations must be nipped in the bud before the weeds nourished in these hothouses come home to roost.

"We must stop ourselves being driven by the inexorable winds of change and brace ourselves for the future that lies before us.

"Let us remember that a good dictatorship may often be preferable to a bad democracy and that the people must be allowed to choose freely.

"I should like to make it quite clear from the outset that the Free World cannot be truly Free while only half the world is Free.

"Recently, I have been running the country even better than usual, and I have had the idea, which in all modesty I think is about as good as anyone could have thought of, that some despicable people think our country is too much under the influence of the United States. Now I can tell you quite categorically that this is not the case.

"I think this proves beyond all doubt what a truly democratic nation this is in which absolutely anyone has a chance of achieving the highest office.

"I have only one country to devote my whole life to and I am convinced that the National Party is providing the best Government we have.

"And now, let me close with a short prayer ..."