Salient. Victoria University of Wellington Student's Newspaper. Volume 31, Number 1. March 3 1968
Anything You Guru Norm Gurus Better
Well, reporters stood in blank amazement today as Normie Kirk (as he then apparently wasn't) held his first impromptu Press Conference since his overseas trip. Wearing a purple sari, built-up sandals, and a bovine expression the Labour leader announced to the astounded gathering that from now on he wishes to be known as "Guru Kirkirishi, Great Teller of Parables and Unemployed Sheet Metal-Worker."
The first question put to "the Guru" involved his reasons for not appearing on British television. With a grin he answered, "Because I was in Bombay at the time."
From then on the secret was out. Normie had not even seen the shores of the Mother Country but had in fact been "communicating with Nature" in a hovel just outside Bengal. He had been meditating in order to effect the spiritual renewal he needs if he is to beat Social Credit into third place at the next election. All for a mere $5000 a day. When asked how these fees were to be paid the Guru hurriedly adjourned the Conference to the Gents' Lavatories (where he was eventually cornered).
Then came the most moving political speech ever heard in the Gents' Lavatories at Wellington Airport. "Gentlemen." he said, obviously taking inspiration from something he had read on his way in, "I am much honoured by your willingness to become my followers. This red spot that you see on my forehead is not there by accident. It was drilled personally by none other than John Lennon himself!! I am thus qualified to freak out at a moment's notice!"
This he proceeded to do by taking a flying leap into the nearest cistern and not surfacing for three days.
Speculation about the Guru's career is now rife particularly since "Truth" ran a photograph captioned "Norm Contemplating The Bust of Mrs Gandhi." Yet the fact is that the Guru may have struck gold this time. Before his trip his popularity among New Zealanders was exactly equal to that of Adolph Hitler's in 1943. Now it is slightly above that of Joseph Stalin's in 1951.
Anybody who can achieve that just by spending $5000 a day, dressing up like a Oriental queer and jumping down lavatory cisterns will certainly get My vote.