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Salient: Victoria University Students' Paper. Vol. 29, No. 12. 1966.

Weir(d) cricket

Weir(d) cricket

The following article (from Salient in 1955) has a certain timeless humour which merits reprinting:

After a long trolley-bus journey and some optimistic promises to whoever forbade us to take a perm-killer, we arrived at the absolute terminus of the Karori Park line. Little more than an hour later Baron von Schroder and Capitalist Hume appeared followed by a straggling line of retainers and many bottles and cases of anti-tetanus.

South elected to field and Baron opened with the redoubtable Mr. Huddlestone against the slow bowler expressly requested by the former. Alter the first over Mr. Elmes, already pretty well inoculated, came out to umpire and to discipline a bowler who had steadfastly ignored the Baron's requests for slow leg breaks. Tins bowler finally bowled eleven balls before he got tired and went away. "Over" said Mr. Carver, who arrived at the bowler's end absolutely immune just in time for the third over.

Mr. Elmes went in for a drink.

Mr. Carver went in for a drink.

Messrs. Schroder and Rich came out to umpire. Rich gave the next batsman out because he had left his cigarettes on the boundary. The one who brought them in was promptly run out but Rich was lighting a cigarette and Schroder was looking for a drink.

Schroder went in for a drink.

There was a general tendency to forget we were playing tippeny runs and time and time again the umpires had to tell the batsmen to run next time.

Schroder returned, asked the bowler to slow down, turned his back on a perfectly taken catch, allowed his third consecutive seven-ball over, started to leave the field for a drink but seeing Rich on the sideline returned in disgust. The next batsman was caught by Rich as he returned to the wicket. An appeal for lbw was refused by Schroder under the dubious classification known as "bum ball".

Your correspondents left the field for a drink, beating Schroder in by a short head. Schroder returned to find that all the players were buying icecreams from a terrified urchin on the boundary.

North were all out 127 for 18 wickets with a tolerance of 10 per cent each way.

Schroder opened the bowling for North with slow ferocious long hops (bounce, bounce, bounce and scuttle) which invariably lured the frustrated batsmen out of their creases. The umpires had by now discovered that their mugs were safest just behind the middle stump. Mr. Wills was bowling in true underarm style, the bias being supplied by the umpires. On the strength of the next four Schroder ordered Mr. Sinclair out to the boundary 200 yards away, Mr. Anderson bowled as follows: wide, wide, no ball, wide, wide, single, Mr. Chamberlain, who had unaccountably found time to field and bat on both sides as well as to immunise himself, bowled a two-ball over and went back to long stop to sleep it off.

"You bumble-footed idiot!" screamed Schroder to Carver, as that unfortunate person tried in vain to point out that he'd thought he had to use his hands. Schroder's last ball was played on by the batsman. Mr. Powles (who had not gone off—he had a bottle with him) thought for a while and said "no ball" with some relish. Mr. Schroder went in for a drink and didn't come back. Mr. Hankins put himself on to bowl and Mr. Sinclair took 48 off the next six balls (six sixes, six wides and a lost ball). Finally with the score at 268 for 19 declared it looked as if the tradition of the inevitable draw had at last been broken but at the last moment Schroder, oozing waspish self-satisfaction from every pore, announced that Sinclair was playing for North anyway—or should have been.


Tournament fencer at Auckland.

Tournament fencer at Auckland.