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Mr Super Colossal
Or how I learned to stop worrying and love Gene Pitney

(During Credits, quick takes of hero in flowing robes of Moses, tunic of Ben Hur, uniform of General Gordon, etc. Scene i: Delicious kidney-shaped swimming pool of White Heron Inn. Zoom in to picture window. Cut to inside, where Mr. Charlton Heston sits on sofa. At a respectful distance stand a pride of reporters, who listen with pads out and pencils poised. Photographer's floodlights illuminate Mr. Heston's striking "pre-twentieth century" features. He answers questions . . .)

Heston: Yes, I feel that an actor must regularly return to the stage, to renew his passport, you might say. In film the director is king. But the stage is actors country.

Reporter: When you come home to your wife after a day on the set, are you yourself, or do you continue to play a part?

Heston: Well, every actor has that problem. You might say that the makeup comes off a little easier than the role.

(While Mr. Heston gives interview to radio personality Doreen, pan over room, where newsmen are sipping coffee and whispering to each other. Hold on Salient Reporter and Friend. Salient Reporter is looking into eyes of Friend, about to say something, when two ladies approach, One is still young, about 26, with short hair and thin lips, The other is elderly and could be the mother of the other.)

Younger: Excuse me, did I hear you say you were going up to the University?

Older: Deliah means, could you give us a lift. We don't know where it is exactly: we've just come down from Havelock North to interview Mr. Heston, and . . .

Deliah: Yes, you see, I'm North Island representative of the Gene Pitney Fan Club, and we came down to persuade Charlton Heston to be an honorary member. You see, my mother . . .

Mother: Isn't he beautiful!

Salient Reporter and Friend (Friend is a young lady of uncommon beauty and spirit): Uh . . . Yes.

Deliah: Oh, do you two go with each other? (She looks at girl's left hand) Are you engaged yet? Mother, don't you think they are a beautiful couple?

Mother: Oh, yes. I don't know what your creed of living is you two, but . . . young man, are you American by any chance?

Salient Reporter: Yes, I am.

Mother: American. So is Mr. Heston. We know Professor Kale at the University of Texas. (She pauses in satisfaction.) Salient Reporter: Oh.

Deliah: America. Then you must know about Gene Pitney!

Salient Reporter: Pop singer, isn't he?

Deliah: Oh, yes. I'm the North Island Representative of the New Zealand Branch of the International Gene Pitney Fan Club. It's the largest fan club in New Zealand. That's right. Almost bigger than the one in England. Listen, how'd you like to be an honorary member, too? Mr. Heston is.

(Quick pan to couch. Heston crosses legs prior to framing another response. Back to Deliah.) Gene Pitney isn't wild, you know. He comes from Connec-ticut, in America.

Mother: His mother lives there in a hundred-year-old house, handed down through the generations.

Deliah: Yes, I've had some lively letters from Gene's mother—she takes care of his fans, you know. I've even spoken to her once on the telephone, all the way to Connecticut!

Salient Reporter (who has just taken out his pad and pencil): Excuse me, but do you mean that you came all the way down here. . . .

Deliah: Oh, you're so lovely, you two. You should join the Gene Pitney Fan Club. We have tea dances, with sandwiches and tea. . . .

Mother (interrupting): So everyone can get to know each other.

Deliah: Yes, There is never anything wild. Gene's already been to New Zealand four times. We're one of his favourite places. He dresses just like you (she looks at immaculately-dressed Salient Reporter). At his concerts, the girls never scream. Never. They just clap. . . .

(Fade out. Scene ii: Vic. Memorial Theatre, darkened. Heston at lecturn, speaking to capacity house. Pan camera from his pre-twentieth century face to audience. Hold on Deliah and Mother, sitting in rear. Both wear rapturous faces, which grow more ecstatic with each successive remark of Heston's. Heston's voice in background, while camera fixes on two women (subjective technique.)

Heston: The film has been described as the most uniquely American of all the arts . . . (Deliah emits a tiny gasp of delight) and the Western, it has been said, along with Jazz as the only distinctly American art . . . (eyes of Mother start to fill up.) The image, as I mentioned, you might call the saltshaker of the cinema . . . (Deliah nibbles lower lip.) Clearly, the outstanding quality of Zinneman's pictures is that they move. And they are moving . . . (Mother moved to a smothered sob of emotion, pulls out large embroidered handkerchief.) The prime creator in cinema is the director, as I've mentioned. On the stage, however, it's actor's country ... (at "actor's country," both women grasp each other's forearms, digging in with long nails, beyond pain.)

Mother (rising to her feet): Mr. Heston, oh Mr. Heston, in that last film, where you played against Gregory Peck, I was wondering—because we've met Gregory and he's so nice— what do you think?

(Fade out. Scene iii: Student Association Executive Room. Student leaders, politely pigeon-toed, circle Mr. Heston, steaming plates of luncheon in their hands.)

Heston: Somehow I seem to have a pre-twentieth century face. . . .

(Fade out. Scene iv: Rich turquoise of illuminated pool at White Heron, effulging in the darkness. Slow rise to window on first floor. Cut inside, to room of Deliah and Mother. They are bejewelled in diamond jewellery. Mother wears mink. Deliah ponders her own fur piece, lying on bed. Enter Salient Reporter and Friend of uncommon beauty and spirit.)

Deliah: Good evening, I'm so glad you could come. Wait till I get my tape recorder.

Mother: We are just about to dine with an American who has just arrived from Thailand, whom we met a few hours ago. Do you know, right after meeting him I happened introduce him to just the man whom he had to see on business. It was the stars, it was radar. When did you say your birthday was?

Deliah: You two look so beautiful tonight. You're not engaged, are you?

Mother: Deliah was engaged. She's 26. He was a wonderful person.

Deliah: Yes, wonderful.

Mother: He was good-looking, kind, everything one could want in a man. But at the eleventh hour ... he turned out to be just a little unstable. He was American, you know.

Deliah (pleasantly): From San Francisco. There was just that wee instability at the last, moment.

Mother: Professor Kale said we were right about Deelie's fiance. American, you know. We have American in the family on my side, but we don't talk about it much. From the early settlers in New England. On the English side we have more titles than we know what to do with. But we don't like to talk about it.

Deliah (putting microphone before face of Salient Reporter): Now here we go. (Addressing mike in a sugar) voice) We now have with us an American student who is studying at Victoria University in Wellington.

(To Salient Reporter, who is immaculately dressed like Gene Pitney): Where were you before coming to New Zealand?

Salient Reporter: Well, I was in the States. In fact, I used to go to school in Connecticut, which I understand is Gene Pitney's home state.

Deliah (dropping microphone in her lap): Oh, how wonderful!

Mother: Oh, you Americans are so wonderful! So was Deelie's boyfriend, but well, mathematics said "No."

Deliah (cheerfully): Yes, it was all radar. A girl I knew had been on a ship where she met a girl who claimed to be engaged to him, too. The very same boy!

Mother (even cheerier): Yes, it was in the stars. A Libra he was. Professor Kale agreed with us.

Deliah (putting away tape recorder): Professor Kale always says the right thing.

Mother: A lonesome filly's what she is now—that's what my husband—now 18 years gone—would have said. (She adopts confidential tone) He wasn't a clever man, my husband. But he used to put everything in terms of horses. Bred polo ponies, you know. First family in New Zealand, we are, on both sides. We have mountain climbers, poets, historians. I told Deliah she should write a book. We don't talk about it, but my grandfather was the first . . .

Deliah (who has just switched on the television): Look, there he is!

(The historic features of Charlton Heston dominate the screen. He is answering questions in an interview. Hold camera on faces of Deliah and Mother, as during theatre talk in scene ii.)

Mother: What a chin!

Heston: You might say that the makeup comes off than . . .

Deliah: What logic! What intelligence!

Mother: Mr. Supercolossal, that's just what he is. Did you see the headlines tonight? I called up the paper and told them they were absolutely right.

Tv Interviewer: What do you do to relax. Mr. Heston?

Mother: Mr. Supercolossal!

Heston: Well, I go swimming with my little daughter.

Mother and Deliah: Oh, how marvellous!

Heston: And I go horseback riding with mv son.

Mother and Deliah: Oh!

Heston: And when I'm not with my children. I take my wife to the theatre.

Deliah: What a soul!

Mother: Oh, my . . .

(Quick take to Heston's eagle's profile and sombre phosphorescent eyes, then back to Mother).

Mother (her voice husky and soft): Mr. Supercolossal.

Finis

(Note: Believe it or not, the above is an accurate account of events which transpired on June 28, the day Charlton Heston arrived in Wellington. Contact Salient if you should wish to join the North Island Chapter of the Gene Pitney Fan Club.)