Thurbage Reports...

The initiates are looking towards a white-coated figure whose vestments are in stark contrast with the almost universal, hooded habits of the congregation. Now, one can see light filtering down from the fluorescent tubing and shining on the young uplifted faces. A most moving spectacle. . . . And while we're waiting for the ceremony proper to begin, the congregation is preparing itself, with gaily-coloured scarves fluttering, much as the banners of Henry V at Agincourt must have fluttered. Individuals are leaving the great hall at intervals to seek spiritual relief in the private antechambers. An essential part of the ceremony.

Yes ... I think . . . yes! And now they're ready! The principal white-gowned figure has raised his hand for silence. He is moving between the sacrificial benches, above which are hung simple containers of manycoloured liquids. His voice is blurred. Blurred. I suspect, with a sense of pageantry—and spirit:

". . . and on my left, with five years of drinking, two blues and three convictions . . ." As he finishes speaking, the most important part of the traditional libatory ceremony is about to begin. I can see the initiates moving their heads quite near to their chalices which have been filled with the customary amber fluid. This is a sight that very few of us here today will be able to forget. The gathering is hushed. Silence . . .

"Hands on the table! Ready . . . Drink!"

There is a sudden flurry of activity. The initiates are lifting the chalices to their mouths and attempting to imbibe the amber draught as quickly as possible Now the congregation are chanting traditional responses—"Spillage! Re-Drink! Elbow Action, Elbow Action!"

The initiates are completing the ritual, gaining, it appears, as much by skin absorption and beard osmosis, as by direct libation . . I can't quite see . . . but they appear to have finished. Yes! I think they have. Assistants are moving behind the sacrificial benches retopping the chalices of the congregation who banter the initiates with time-honoured jocund comments. ... I can't quite hear above the crowd, but . . . the white-coated leader is announcing that the team to his left has performed the rite quickest, and is therefore the winner!

Oh! and while the winning initiates are being congratulated, one member of the opposing team is being assisted to a private ante-chamber . . . pardon? Oh . . . I've just been informed that in the excitement during his part of the ritual, he neglected to open his mouth. There's tremendous activity around the benches and the sounds of merriment echo from the high, vaulted, hardboard roof. . . . And there's a stir at the back of the room . . . some disturbance. And yes, Yes! Walking with ponderous authority are bluehabited and helmeted, traditional symbols of evil and warning. This is the moment many have been waiting for.

The congregation are registering mature expressions or attempting to avert their faces. As this stately, yet sinister procession moves towards the broadcasting position members of the crowd move with humble discretion towards the egresses, almost. It might seem, as if a heavy hand had fallen on their shoulder and said ... oh.

". . . could I see your driving licence, sir?" Get your . . . un . . .Oh! And now I return you from the great hall at Ponsonby back to the . . .

Click.