"Tell me, what is a happy medium?"

"An intoxicated spiritualist."

"Tell me, why did the chicken cross the road?"

"Because it wanted to get to the other side."

"Tell me, why do you work in a dynamite factory?"

"I want to make myself quit smoking."

Mother: "Tommy, what are you doing to the cat?"

Tommy: "Daddy said there was five bob in the kitty."

"Tell me, why do you only lake half aspirins?"

"Because I've got a splitting headache."

Alister, I'm sure I heard a mouse squeak!

"Well, what the hell do you want me to do—get up and oil it?"

"Because every time a bus runs over it, it goes squelch."

"Tell me, what are the Poles doing in Russia?"

"Holding up the telephone wires."

"I just saw a dog with no nose."

"A dog with no nose! Tell me, how did it smell?"

"Flipping awful."

Why did the blind carpenter regain his sight?

Because he picked up his hammer and saw.

Said laundrymen to monk at monastery: Have you any dirty habits?

What is the best way to make time go fast?

Use the spur of the moment.

Why does a man who has been beaten up resemble fried fish?

Because he has been as-salted and battered.

"What does your dog say when it sits on sandpaper?"

"Ruff, ruff."