"Marxist Leninists Song"

(To the Tunc of "The Major-General's Song" from "The Pirates of Penzance.")

I am the very model of a modern Marxist-Leninist,
I'm anti-war and anti-God and very anti-feminist;
My thinking's dialectical, my wisdom's undebatable,
When I negate negations they're undoubtedly negatable.
And yet I m no ascetic—I am always full of bonhomie
When lecturing to classes on political economy;
And comrades all agree that they have never heard a smarter cuss
Explain the basic reasons for the slave revolt of Spartacus.

Chorus : Explain the basic, etc.

I'm fierce and unrelenting when I'm extirpating heresies
Yet patient and forgiving to the comrade who his error sees;
In short, as propagandist, agitator, and polemicist
I am the very model of a modern Marxist-Leninist.

Chorus : In short, as propagandist, agitator, and polemicist, He is the very etc.

My love of Party history comes very close to mania,
I teem with information on the Bund in Lithuania,
My speech on the Decembrists is replete with fun and pleasantry,
I know the different stages collectivizing peasantry
With Russian Social Democrats I'm always glad to clench a fist,
(While carefully distinguishing the Bolshevist and Menshevist);
But when I am confronted with a regular Bukarinite
I get a rise in temperature (both Centigrade and Fahrenheit).

Chorus : He gets a rise etc.

I know what Lenin said about the concept of the deity,
And why it's a very dangerous to worship spontaneity;
In short as propagandist, agitator, and polemicist.
I am the very model of a modern Marxist-Leninist.

Chorus : In short as propagandist, agitator, and polemicist He is the very etc.

In fact, when I begin to try to fight against bureaucracy,
To criticize myself a bit, and practise more democracy;
When bringing Marx's teachings up to date I'm much more wary at,
And when I've done with phrases like "impoverised proletariat";
When I have learned that workers think that nothing could be sillier
Than "monolithic unity" and biased Russophiliq—
Then people will exclaim: "Hurrah! He's not a stupid sap at all—
A better Marxist-Lininist has never studied 'Capital'!"

Chorus: A better, etc.

My policies and theories have an air of unreality
Because I am a victim of the cult of personality;
But still, as propagandist, agitator, and polemicist
I am the very model of a modern Marxist-Leninist.

Chorus : But still, as propagandist, agitator, and polemicist He is the very etc.

—From "The Rhyming Reasoner—a Journal of Indiscretion", March, 1957. Rumoured to be from the pen of a V.U.C. alumnus once famous for his Extravs.