An Aesop's Fable

The 1st (and it is to be hoped last) Fendalton Infantry Battalion was renowned throughout the length and breadth of Malaya for two things. First, the fearless fighting of their leader, the notorious "Homburg" Mullen; and second, the fact that every man in the outfit bar one had killed one of the ferocious enemy, the notorious Workers For Peace.

This one man who had not yet done the dirty deed was one Private Kumdown, a former cop who had joined the army to escape from humiliation on the home front. At a parade one day, the General in charge of the campaign asked Kumdown why it was that he alone, out of a thousand men, had not killed a Worker.

"Well, Sir," Kumdown replied. "I haven't got anything against them. They never done me any wrong. Anyhow, I'd rather be bashing up harmless drunks at home."

"I see," said the General. "Well anyway, I'll tell you what to do. When you're out in, the battlefield, and you see a patrol of Workers coming round the hill, you stick your head up and yell out, "Nick Bulganin's a drongo!". Then they'll fire at you, and you'll have to fire back in self-defence and you'll probably kill one. Then everybody will be satisfied."

"Righto. Sir. I'll do what you say," said Kumdown.

We must now shift our story forward three weeks.

The same General is making a tour of the base hospital. As he walks down one ward, he sees a fellow absolutely swathed in bandages. Looking down at his chart, he sees the name Kumdown. Recalling the incident on the parade, he goes over to the man, and says, "Well, Kumdown, you got it bad. What happened?"

"Well, sir, it was like this . . . I was lying out in the battlefield in my usual state of melancholy, when a patrol of Workers came round a hill. So I stuck my head up, and yelled out. "Nick Bulganin's a drongo!" Just like you said. Then a Worker over the other side called out, "Sid Hullen's a moron!" And we were so busy shaking hands in the middle of the road that we didn't see the bl——truck coming!"