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1910

[K.M. ruthlessly destroyed all record of the time between her return from New Zealand to England in 1909, and 1914. The following fragment is all that remains of her “huge complaining diaries” (see p. 45). It belongs to 1910, to that stay in Bavaria which was the origin of her first book, In a German Pension. A subsequent allusion to her misery in Bavaria will be found in her Journal of December 1920.]

June [1910]. It is at last over, this wearisome day, and dusk is beginning to sift in among the branches of the drenched chestnut tree. I think I must have caught cold in my beautiful exultant walk yesterday, for to-day I am ill. I began to work but could not. Fancy wearing two pairs of stockings and two coats and a hot-water bottle in June, and shivering…. I think it is the pain that makes me shiver and feel dizzy. To be alone all day, in a house whose every sound seems foreign to you, and to feel a terrible confusion in your body which affects you mentally, suddenly pictures for you detestable incidents, revolting personalities, which you only shake off to find recurring again as the pain seems to grow worse again. Alas! I shall not walk with bare feet in wild woods again. page 2 Not until I have grown accustomed to the climate….

The only adorable thing I can imagine is for my Grandmother to put me to bed and bring me a bowl of hot bread and milk, and, standing with her hands folded, the left thumb over the right, say in her adorable voice: “There, darling, isn't that nice?” Oh, what a miracle of happiness that would be. To wake later to find her turning down the bedclothes to see if my feet were cold, and wrapping them up in a little pink singlet, softer than cat's fur…. Alas!

Sunday Morning. Yet another Sunday…. It is raining again to-day—just a steady persistent rain that seems to drift one from one morning to the other. When I had finished writing I went down to supper, drank a little soup, and the old Doctor next me suddenly said: “Please go to bed now,” and I went like a lamb and drank some hot milk. It was a night of agony. When I felt morning was at last come, I lighted a candle, looked at the watch, and found it was just a quarter to twelve! Now I know what it is to fight a drug. Veronal was on the table by my bed. Oblivion—deep sleep—think of it! But I didn't take any. Now I am up and dressed….