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Heels 1969

Instructions For Assembling The Mark II Gorge Trip

Instructions For Assembling The Mark II Gorge Trip

At the count of one, take all the components of the trip out of the pack, and survey them quizzically, on the River Bank. As will be noticed, the map is one of the most important parts of the structure. You are now dry. And presumably ready to start.

1. Carefully remove all traces of sanity from the main members of the party. This is most important.

2. Carefully insert all articles to be kept dry into the water-proof containers provided, taking great care not to puncture the plastic bags. (This is most important).

3. Cement the feet firmly into the boots, and then cement the gaze in a downstream direction, using the glue provided. These are both very important.

4. Inflate the inner tube with the lungs, (see diagram attached), taking care to stop for breath at frequent intervals. Affix the tube to the person. This is most important.

5. Carefully commence making the trail of boot prints downstream, sticking carefully to the most pleasurable route, with the cement provided. This is Most important - in the event of having to retrace one's steps. This will only occur if a high-pitched piking sound emanates from the party superstructure.

On encountering the first pool, (and/or rapid):-

a.Make sure that the last will and testament are in order.page 9
b.Affix the spectacles securely to the person.
c.Travel last in the party to discover the best route.

6. When the party is showing signs of extreme exposure, carefully select a sunlit, sheltered beach from the large quantity provided. Insert the hands into the pack. This is most important, as you will then be able to extract:-

a.The water proof matches.
b.The large quantities of rich, nutritious food -

this item is vital to the success of the Gorge Trip. If used carefully, the food can be used to form attachments between party members.

Note: - The bonds thus formed are not to be relied on for any great length of time.

After carefully wrapping the person around the food and the brew, lie the person in the sun for thirty minutes. This is most important, in order to dispel all vestiges of keenness.

7. Continue as in 5, until a negotiable road is near.

a.Envelope the person with the dry clothes provided.
b.Paste onto the face a cheesy grin.
c.Inflate the ego.
d.Carefully work your way home by dextrous use of the thumb. This is most important.

Your Gorge Trip is now complete and can be used to impress anyone within earshot. It should withstand the test of time if used sparingly, and only given an occasional airing.

Refer all complaints:-


c/o Meteorological Office,