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Typo: A Monthly Newspaper and Literary Review, Volume 1

Our Reporter's Little List

Our Reporter's Little List.

As we some day may discover that our space is running short,
I've got a little list, I've got a little list
Of oppressive men and meetings that we commonly report,
But which never would be missed—which never would be missed:
First, Unemployed Starvationists who gather in the square,
And forcibly denounce us, which I hardly think is fair;
Then Salvation Army Suppliants, who, when they cease to curse,
Pray hard « for all reporters, » which perhaps is rather worse;
And the Preacher with the Ribbon, the Blue Bevivalist—
They'd none of 'em be missed—they'd none of 'em be missed.

All the rival Farm Machinery and bogus Public Trials
With an advertising twist—I've got 'em on the list;
And Offenders from Police Courts who write furious denials—
They never will be missed—they never will be missed;
The Agent from the Theatre who comes to pull our legs,
And paragraphs in manner quite insinuating begs;
Miraculous Faith Healers, with a cure that's all my eye;
Industrial Societies industriously dry;
And suburban Borough Councils met on nights of mud and mist—
They'd none of 'em be missed—I'm sure they'd not be missed.

Then the Charitable Concert with piano out of tune,
The Local Vocalist—I've got him on the list;
The Scientific Lecturer discoursing on the moon—
He never will be missed—I'm sure he'll not be missed;
The Protection Statistician with his mystifying lore;
The Political Economist, that all-surpassing bore;
The Conscientious Candidate explaining to the end
Colonial finances that he doesn't comprehend;
The Disappointed Suitor from the Magisterial Court,
Whose character's been ruined by an incorrect report,
Who would fain exact retraction with a leg-of-mutton fist—
They'd none of 'em be missed—they'd none of 'em be missed.