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The New Zealand Railways Magazine, Volume 15, Issue 2 (May 1, 1940.)

Wit And Humour

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Wit And Humour

An Awkward Moment.

“My friends,” said a preacher, “you will remember that I promised to speak to you to-night on ‘The World's Greatest Liars,’ and that I asked you to prepare your minds by reading the 17th chapter of St. Mark. Kindly raise your hands if you have done so.”

Every hand went up.

“Thank you,” continued the preacher. “As there are only sixteen chapters in St. Mark, my subject will not be entirely inappropriate.”

* * *

Our Machine Age.

The little town boy was offered a week's holiday in the country, but he refused. Coaxing, pleading and arguing brought nothing but the stubborn answer, “No country for me.”

“But why?” he was asked.

“Because,” he replied, “they have thrashing machines in the country, and it's bad enough here when it's done by hand!”

* * *

Successful Interview.

The shoe-store proprietor was engaging an assistant. “Suppose,” he said, “a lady customer were to remark while you were trying to fit her. ‘Don't you think one of my feet is bigger than the other?’ What would you say?”

“I should say, ‘On the contrary, Madam, one is smaller than the other’.”

“The job is yours.”

* * *

Not Guilty.

The seaside landlady entered a boarder's room on the morning of his departure. “I see, sir,” she said quietly, “there's a hole burnt in that easy chair. Of course, I shall expect you to pay for it.”

“Not likely!” he replied decisively. “You can't blame me for it. I don't smoke!”

“Of all the nerve!” she snapped. “I've had this house for over two years, and you're the first visitor who has refused to pay for that hole!”

Brave Little Man.

Two men, one considerably smaller than the other, were crossing the street to enter a public house, when a youth on a bicycle flashed past them, operating a “buzzer” on the front wheel which emitted a particularly sharp raucous wail.

The smaller of the men gave a nervous jump, and his friend said, “Goodness, what a state you're in—fancy jumping like that for a bike?”

“Bike?” retorted the little man. “I wasn't afraid of no bicycle. I thought I heard my missus calling me!”

His Aunt: “I remember him as a little boy playing with boats in his bath!”

His Aunt: “I remember him as a little boy playing with boats in his bath!”

Cramped Environment.

He: “Good gracious, your dog wags his tail up and down!”

She: “Yes, you see he was brought up in a flat.”

* * *

Understanding Heart.

Professor (sternly): “When the room settles down I will begin the lecture.”

Student: “Why don't you go home and sleep it off?”

* * *

Where Mother Belongs.

Lady Politician: “What is home without a mother?”

Male Voice in Audience: “Your baby.”

No Place for Softies.

Sign in a country restaurant: “If our steak is too tough for you, get out, this is no place for weaklings.”

* * *

The Handy Man.

Two navvies settled down to eat their dinner. One began unwrapping a large parcel at which the other stared in surprise.

“Wot's that?” he asked.

“Well, it's like this. My missus is away, so I thought as I'd make myself a pie.”

“Bit long, ain't it?”

“Oh, I dunno, it's rhubarb.”

* * *

Seeking a Cure.

A rather agitated-looking tramp knocked at the door of a country cottage. “Can you let me 'ave a bar of soap, ma'am?” he asked the householder.

“Do you really mean to tell me that you want some soap to wash with?” she asked.

“Not for me, ma'am,” replied the tramp; “but my mate's got hiccups, and I want to shock him by showing it to him.”

* * *

Driven from Home.

As the big car passed through the village the visitor saw a man sitting on top of a pile of furniture, looking very disconsolate.

The visitor stopped his car and leaned out.

“I'm sorry for you, my poor man.” he said, “having no roof over your head; perhaps this will help you.” when he pressed a note into the man's hand.

“Thank 'ee,” said the man. “Very kind of you Oi'm sure.”

“I hope things will be better for you soon,” said the other.

“Oi'll be quite all right when she's finished,” replied the man, pointing his hand in the direction of a cottage door.

“Who's she?”

“Why, my wife; she be whitewashing the place.”