Full Measure.

When the hungry Scot was served by the deaf barman with two pennyworth of potato “crisps” he tore open the bag, spread the contents over the counter and looked in vain for the usual small packet of salt.

“No salt,” he complained.

The barman cupped his ear in his hand. “Sorr,” he said. “I didn't quite catch you.”

“No salt!” yelled the Scotsman.

“Oh!” said the barman. “I thought you said ‘one short.’”

* * *

After the Battle.

Eric came indoors, his face deathly white.

Mother: What have you been doing?

Eric: Playing with Edgar Edwards.

Mother: I told you not to play Indians. I suppose you have been scalped?

Eric: No, we just smoked the Pipe of Peace.

* * *

The Issue Settled!

The ardent busybody bravely followed the burly one into the public-house and watched while he ordered a pint of beer. Then, touching him on the arm, she said:

“Do you think for one moment, my man, that that horrible drink is going to quench your thirst?”

The man smiled.

“Wot!” he said. “This ‘ere one glass? Not bloomin’ likely!”

* * *

A Cold Snap.

Wife: It is getting very cold and so I thought we might go and look at fur coats.

Husband: Good—we will go to the Zoo this afternoon.

* * *

Our Dog.

Teacher (sternly): “This essay on ‘Our Dog’ is word for word the same as your brother's.”

Small Boy: “Yes sir, it's the same dog.”

Nicely Turned.

“Harry, if I were to die, would you marry again?”

“That question is hardly fair, my dear.”

“Why not?”

“Because, if I were to say ‘yes’ you wouldn't like it, and to say ‘Never again’ wouldn't sound nice.”

* * *

Distantly Related.

Two chance acquaintances from Ireland were talking together.

“An' so your name is Riley,” said one. “Are yez related to Tim?”

“Very dishtantly,” said the other. “Oi was me mother's first child, and Tim was the tenth.”

* * *

Railway-Minded.

“How did the Queen of Sheba travel when she went to see Solomon?” asked the teacher.

No one ventured a reply.

“Could she have gone by the railway?”

“Yes'm,” said a little girl.

“Indeed! Well, we would like to know how you found this out?”

“In the second verse,” responded the child, “It says she came with a great train.”

Tommy's Turn.

Teacher: “Now, Tommy, perhaps you can tell us the purpose of grammar?”

Pupil: “Please, miss, it learns you to talk proper.”

* * *

Waiting Policy.

The village fire brigade stood by helplessly watching the top storey of a building blazing merrily. When questioned by an onlooker about their inactivity, the captain replied, blandly:

“Our hoses ain't any too powerful, mister. We'll have a better chance when the fire gets to the second floor!”

* * *

An Interesting Case.

A doctor received a note which read: “Please call and see my husband. It's his head. He's had it off and on all yesterday, and to-day he's sitting with it in his hands between his knees.”

* * *

Envy's Fang.

“Do you like my hat, Mrs. Green?” asked Mrs. Brown.

“Yes, I like it all right, but there' one thing wrong with it,” replied Mrs. Green.

“What's that?”

“It makes your face look shabby.”

“'Ere, let someone else 'ave a go at being 'Itler.”